Thu, September 4

I Get What I Deserve—10:36 AM

I don't read the local paper, for I am not 70. I do receive the neighborhood supplement for free, because I have not figured out a way to cancel it that would not require at least five minutes of looking up a phone number and/or talking to a person. So, twice a week, I glance at one-sixth of its front page as I carry it from my mailbox to my recycling bin. Today, this little box caught my eye (apparently it has always been there):

I don't know what this means. I deserve the best? Why? According to whom? This sort of pitch rings with American egocentrism. "I'm awesome! I should have the hottest wife, the loudest stereo, and the most expensive house I can find! I should be on a reality show! Why should I bother signaling a lane change? Make way! World's Awesomest Individual, coming through!"

It's important to like yourself and to set high standards, but shouldn't a person have to do something to deserve something? I appreciate adequacy. I'm a fan of competency. But who has time to demand "the best" from every situation? What is the best? I'd drive myself crazy, sitting in a restaurant, wondering with each bite, "Is this the best thing on the menu? Was that the best bite, or did I already swallow that one? Should I throw the rest away?" Or, "I like this shampoo, but is it the best? I should buy the ten most expensive brands and try them out all day Saturday!" Hardly seems like the best use of my time.

Ironically, the message is undermined by its typography. (The picture above is really what it looks like, actual size.) Everything except "You deserve the best" is practically illegible due to shoddy printing. Rifling through the pile in the recycle bin, they've been printing it the same way for at least a month without bothering to fix it. See? Even they don't believe I deserve the best.

0 comments

Fri, August 29

Get Your Grids!

New TV shows are coming and you wouldn't want to be caught unawares. Stock up with informative schedules and speculative analysis. (Read more.)

0 comments with related links

Tue, August 26

McSweeney's #28

The gang serves up a tray full of short stories, ranging from charming to bizarre (to both). (Read more.)

4 comments

Mon, August 25

A Nation Mourns—1:39 AM

Henchman #24
Never forget.

0 comments

Finally Over—1:38 AM

Next time, I'd like to see NBC and the IOC join forces and swap the levels of hype, coverage, and pyrotechnics between the Olympics and the Paralympics. Give the Paralympics the first spot on the schedule, too. You don't even have to tell anybody; just swap one for the other. My bet is, spectators – who have never heard of 90% of the competitors in either case – won't even blink. And NBC's background research staff will sleep easier. Finally, some triumph-over-adversity stories that write themselves!

Either that or bring back the Laff-A-Lympics. Someone get on this.

0 comments

Whenever anyone says “I can’t,” it makes me wish he’d get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says “I’ll try,” five thousand bees. (“I can,” one bee.)