Fri, April 11, 2003

Sales at McDonald's have been down over the last 13 months. Some are even blaming "anti-American" sentiment for the slump, because McDonald's, like Starbucks, is often regarded as a representation of base American values being exported around the globe. Plus, that fat guy was suing them for making him fat.

Whatever the reason, McDonald's is losing money and the plan they have to fix it involves a few changes. Changes to their stores and their menu, and even changes to their buns.

It's said that the change is simply to add a little more sugar to the recipe so the buns will carmelize more attractively when heated up. I don't know from carmelizing, but I just hope that they look, taste, and feel exactly the same as the current ones.

Depending on my mood, the best fries in the business are either McDonald's or Wendy's, but that's about the only item on their menu at which they really excel. Except for the bun. The McDonald's bun (and I'm talking about the basic bun here, not that tarted-up sesame seed thing they slap around the Big Mac) is absolute perfection.

To me, it exemplifies the "feel" of McDonald's. Look at the bun. Touch it, smell it. Taste it. In every way, it appears as synthetic as it possibly can. Rip into it – it's just like styrofoam. And that's what I love about it. When you go to McDonald's, you go for that feeling of artificiality. Visiting McDonald's for fine cuisine is like visiting Disney World for culture. Each excels at manufacturing a pretend version, not the real thing.

Just run your fingers across the surface of the top bun. It's like that feeling of a newly-opened jar of peanut butter. So pristine, so unspoiled.

Burger King reformulated their french fries a few years back and had some success with it, so I guess it was inevitable. I just wish someone had asked me. That's a telemarketer I want to talk to: the bun survey. I can think of a million things they should change first before the bun. The bun is the container. The bun is the representative. The bun is your partner in corralling the contents of the sandwich into a cohesive whole. Don't change the bun!

Oh, how I pray that the new bun is exactly like the old bun. If not, you're going to see me hijacking a delivery truck and absconding with the last of the Bun Classics.

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