Fri, July 11, 2003

There was a car chase here in L.A. last night and of course I had to watch it. I know better, of course. The same as I know better than to go to stupid summer movies or buy things I don't need. But that's me. There are those elements of being a fat, lazy, predictable American capitalist-materialist slob that I enjoy indulging. ("In moderation," is what I tell myself. But moderation isn't exactly on the imperialist American infidel list of character traits either.)

I could tell you that I watch the car chases because they're part of L.A. culture, as was hysterically lampooned in the largely un-hysterical It's Like... You Know a few years back. And that's true. I could tell you that I watch because I like to laugh at the commentary by news anchors who never had a thought in their heads in the first place and now are forced to improvise for two hours. It's true, it's hilarious. But I also watch because it's fun. I try very hard not to watch World's Scariest Police Chases or anything like that, but when a live car chase is on – what can I do? It's enthralling.

The chase ended, as such chases always do, rather uneventfully. When the guy decides to get out of the car and start running, I really wish he'd flip on the cruise control first so at least we get a satisfying crash and (please, oh please!) maybe explosion. Alas, that was not in the cards for this chase. The anchors were in rare form today, though. When I tuned in, the guy was puttering around town in a beat-up old Ford Aerostar minivan and the commentary was focused on various high-tech devices that would allow law enforcement to stop his car remotely if he had them in his car. (At this point, they were speculating (Wild speculation in TV news?? The very idea!) that the minivan was stolen.) Lo-Jack was mentioned as well as OnStar. "Oh yes, if he had OnStar it would be possible to stop the car remotely." If he had OnStar?? This clunky old minivan is at least fifteen years old! Who are they kidding?

In order to keep us riveted, the anchors would periodically expound on the recklessness and danger we were viewing. The guy only drove faster than 40 mph when he was on the freeway or sailing through empty streets. He paused at every intersection and usually made a full stop. He was driving like such a puss you could hardly tell it was a car chase! I know I sound like a broken record by now, but damn it drives me up the wall the way broadcast "journalists" feel like they have to scare you to keep you tuned in! (Especially in this case. Dammit, we're already watching!)

Well, by the time the pursuit ended, I was already at the office late and they tossed it directly to national news. I flipped over to Tom Brokaw but of course I got that usurper Brian Williams instead. (Damn that smarmy little weasel!) I've made no secret of the fact that I have lost all respect for TV news of any kind. Even my revered champion NBC news has let me down. (Not that I'd miss Ben & J.Lo on Dateline for all the money in the world! Fat, lazy infidels love Bennifermania!) Well the broadcast failed to disappoint. (Specifically, it did not disappoint my expectations because it delivered disappointing journalism.)

As usual, no matter what the story is, it must be "teased" with the maximum histrionics. (Teasing is the little preview they give you before they go to commercial to make sure you stick around. On the local news, they tease the same story all day and all through the 6pm and 11pm broadcasts, then air it at 11:28pm.) Don't viewers ever get aggravated that the story doesn't live up to the hype? Here's my example from tonight. (From a story that you would never think they could make sound dramatic in the first place!)

The Tease:
When we come back, we'll show you how marketing companies plan to get around the national Do Not Call list!

The Story:
This was a story about how the Do Not Call list is expected to affect marketers, specifically firms that rent out their telemarketing services to other companies. They interviewed a president of one such firm (despicable sleazebag!) and he talked about how state Do Not Call lists have already forced him to cut his staff and the national list probably will prompt deeper cuts. They spoke with a marketing VP at Allstate who said (I'm paraphrasing, but I promise this is what he said) "We will continue to call those people who do not choose to register with the Do Not Call list. Also, we will probably return to other methods of marketing and we'll continue to investigate new media solutions."

So, essentially the story is about the options that the industry is considering in the wake of the Do Not Call list, and one interview happened to reveal that companies will probably use the Internet to try to reach customers and probably also end up sending out more direct-mail leaflets. Even though he didn't specifically mention that, it makes sense. And as a proud Do Not Call registrant, I'm fine with it. Junk mail in my postal mailbox is easy to toss and far less irritating than a phone call.

But NBC managed to spin this as though the shifty marketing industry was going to "get around" the list and come after us. Certainly the tease implied that they'd found a loophole and would be continuing to call us at supper. (I paraphrased the tease above, but I swear it conveyed the same content with exactly that tone.) The story even featured Internet pop-up ads although they didn't have anyone on-camera explaining why. They just had a shot of someone's computer with ads popping up. I don't think the industry can have more pop-up ads as a result of the Do Not Call list, as the story implied. Plus, most modern web browsers allow you to block pop-ups anyway, so who cares?

What a dumb, meaningless story. Who would even say yes to that pitch? What did they think they'd dig up? Arg. Then they're stuck with a boring story and have to sell it with a trumped-up tease. I know. Broken record. I'll shut up now.

But, come on!

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