Thu, April 15, 2004

The enjoyable part about watching the fundamentally terrible Survivor: All-Stars is that you can get wrapped up in it. This is also the agonizingly tortuous part. Because, try as I might, I can't not care what happens. I want to see strategy and I want to see it rewarded. I want to see stupidity and hubris squashed. I want to believe that there is value in playing smart, although clearly there is not. I want Rob to pay. Some would say he should win because he's playing the game well. (They said this about Hatch, and Johnny Deathfake, also. They're not always so easy to like.) I think there is a difference between playing well and being successful. To paraphrase Winston Churchill, Rob is the dumbest person on the island, except for all the others. He's not a Survivor mastermind – he's just lucky the rest are idiots.

This week opens with Lex realizing that he is a fucking retard. (Glad you've caught up, Lex!) If I were Kathy or Shii Ann, I might have voted to keep Amber around because of sisterly solidarity or because I really do think she's strong in challenges. Maybe even because of her popularity with the other team – she could be valuable later on. (Okay, if I were Shii Ann, I'd bash my own head in, but let's focus on the strategy.) The point is, the ladies might have a reason to keep Amber around. In their shoes, I'd have voted for Lex, not Jerri, but that's just me trying to apply forward-thinking strategy to this game. You should ignore that. In any case, if I were Lex, I would be sure to vote for anybody before Jerri. Maybe I'd keep Amber and maybe I wouldn't. (Pretending to do Rob's bidding might lower his defenses.) But, Jerri had professed 150,000% of her devotion to Lex, and so keeping her around really offered him a strategic advantage. As a matter of fact, as much as I'd like to keep Amber around if I were me, if I were Lex, I would certainly get rid of her. Cut Rob's legs out from under him. Come to think of it, just being approached by Rob is a huge signal that Rob's emotions have clouded his judgment, so what you want to do is exacerbate that by taking her away from him altogether. He'll become a blubbering idiot and you'll have the advantage as you plot to get rid of him rather than being eliminated by his alliance. Anyway, Lex was very dumb to sacrifice his real alliance with Jerri in favor with a flimsy promise from Rob – who wasn't even on his team, and there was no real promise that he would be anytime soon.

This week also opens with Mogo Mogo whining about how much they miss Amber and how scared they are that she may have been voted off by the new members of Chapera. Whatever, guys! Try to concentrate on your own team for a while, that's where this game is played!

At any rate, it's all over real soon because they find out that Amber is safe and sound and Lex has reduced his hopes at advancing into the final eight to shredded tatters, obliterated like so many pierced man-nipples. Then, everyone pairs up by buddy system and takes turns sitting through Probst's three-day seminar on how the reward challenge will work. It takes place in fourteen heats, each of which eliminates a few of the contestants until the strongest, most indomitable paragon of Survivory virtue is left standing. (For the uninitiated, that's Rupert, Pirate King of Survivordom.) Getting things off to what I foolishly think is a good start, Rupert Rupertly decides to bring Amber and Jenna along for his reward (a spa day). I'm delighted, because the whole idea of "you can bring two people" seems transparently targeted at an AmbeRob hot tub reunion, and I'm glad that Rupert shatters the expectations of the producers (and Rob, that horny jackass). However, apparently I'm the only one who noticed this, because Rob seems pretty much fine.

Later, as if the incentives for strategizing weren't low enough already, Probst decides to merge the teams. Didn't they just get shuffled? It doesn't count as a twist if it gets canceled out almost immediately! (Were the producers just trying to screw up Lex's plans? He had it hard enough as it was, with his insouciant stupidity and Rob's clear numeric advantage.) Anyway, Probst merges them and gives them all new blue buffs as well as some supplies and the requisite paint for the creation of their new team flag. (As usual, their uncreative team name is some kind of mishmash hybrid of all the other team names. "Mogobogcha," or something. "Sabogopera." I don't know.) I find it odd that they see fit to include Saboga, which was long ago disbanded, but don't carry this philosophy to its logical extreme and include both versions of Mogo Mogo and Chapera. Have they already forgotten about last week? Shouldn't the new team be "Chamogosaboga-Mogopera"? Or what about "Nine Very Stupid Assholes"? That has a nice ring to it.

Of course, the tribe name isn't what's important. Get to the cuddling! Strains of "Let's Get It On" can be heard as AmbeRob reconvene the Coalition of the Snuggling – although, oddly, none of the other contestants can hear it, so they don't grow suspicious of their own separate alliances with AmbeRob. Perhaps the music is drowned out by "Reunited, and It Feels So Good," which blares as Rupert and his spear spin around in slow motion, lavishing kisses on each other.

Then comes the fun part. No, wait. Then comes the part where Amber and That Idiot reenact a fantasy date from Average Joe 2, watching the waves and rocking in each other's arms. They babble about the multitude of false alliances they've formed with the unsuspecting sheep who call themselves all-stars, and it becomes evident that just maybe Amber is not going to be able to keep all of these lies straight in her head. She asks Rob if people might sense the strength of their commitment to one another and start targeting them. (Yathink?! Actually, with this group, no.) Rob just strokes her hair and says "be calm, my pretty pet." Then comes the fun part.

The fun part is the immunity challenge and it turns out that there are now two immunities. Between this and the insta-merge after a mere three days of separation, it seems like the producers suddenly love AmbeRob again. The overnights from the makeout episode must have come in. They've even split the two immunities along gender lines, so one of those agile lads won't accidentally steal away Amber's security. As it turns out, Kathy wins girl immunity anyway (Rob of course wins boy immunity), so it's pretty moot. (I would say that it's more important for Rob to have immunity, because he's less popular and more of a long-term threat, but I have no data to indicate that any of the competitors actually pays enough attention to see it this way. Either way, Amber is safe.)

Everybody heads back to camp, and I get a very strong representation of just exactly how backward the thinking is on the island. Kathy and Lex start whining about the fact that Rob isn't visiting with them and making them feel more welcome in the newly merged team. This is the kind of thing that is said by people who perceive Rob as the leader of the new team and see themselves as his guests. Kids, it's a merge. It's Saboga's beach. Everybody should be equal, here. You have not been absorbed by Rob's team. But, this is how they think. Everything is filtered through the powerful influence of Rob the Master. No wonder nobody is bothering to think about strategy; to them, it's a foregone conclusion. They're just fighting for third. When Rob does finally decide to come over and mingle, he takes a page from Lex's playbook and tells Lex that he's ordering his alliances to eliminate Lex. In a mildly idiotic improvisation, he does this right in front of Kathy. (Clearly he assumes that Kathy is no threat; I'd call this hubris, but she proves him absolutely right. The only power she has is her immunity necklace – she doesn't have the numbers to vote against Rob – and she refuses to acknowledge its strategic value.) Lex is upset. (Lying? On Survivor? No!) Lex says Rob is mean. Lex says Rob is breaking a promise. Lex is just mad because he was a dope and played into Rob's hands. Lex should make his decisions more carefully, then he wouldn't be in a position like this. (Again, chances were – at best – 50/50 that Rob would deliver on his promise to Lex. Lex could only gain by voting out Amber.)

So, here's where things could've gotten good again, if anyone were paying attention to strategy, or thinking beyond the next two minutes of the game. At a drizzly TribCon, Probst asks the immunity bequeathment question that nobody had ever even thought about before last season's Festival of Consecutive Immunity Giveaways. Used to be, you won a challenge, the reward or immunity was yours. These days, Probst has to check after each time. It's like the offer for the extended warranty. Anyway, if Kathy and Lex had done any thinking, they'd realize that Rob's voting bloc is the result of myriad sub-alliances that are all destined to falter as the game progresses. For crying out loud, in some cases, all AmbeRob have promised their teammates is a slot in the final seven. 7 out of (after tonight) 8? They could do better than that with a roll of the dice! So, Kathy and/or Lex should have done one of two things. They should have approached other people, since they knew Lex was up for elimination, and challenged them to consider the fact that AmbeRob are playing them for chumps (remember – only two people can make it to the final two!) or they should've kept quiet and then Kathy should've handed her immunity to Lex at TribCon. (Either way, she should have done this; the checking with the others in advance was just a tidy way of assuring where their votes would go once she did it.)

If Kathy gives Lex the immunity necklace, especially without hinting at it before sitting down to Tribal Council, I would argue that the remaining voters who had intended to vote for Lex wouldn't know what to do. (As usual, it's some unwritten rule that you can't discuss your votes out loud at TribCon. Everyone plays real coy like always and avoids using names when vaguely skirting this week's questions from Probst.) I don't think they'd just automatically vote for Kathy, because she's not really a threat. Shii Ann's fucking annoying, why not vote for her? Or, in some cases, they might say "Well, my vote's up for grabs. Why not Amber? Those two seem pretty powerful." Just maybe. In fact, my dream is that Kathy would give Lex immunity, and Rob, sensing Amber's vulnerability, would give her his immunity necklace. At which point, everyone would vote for Rob. Excellent.

Now, in the McThursday household, I was told that Kathy didn't give Lex the immunity necklace because Lex had repeatedly told her not to, back at camp. So? Kathy has to realize that Lex is an idiot. There are no points for chivalry in this game. Kathy is less vulnerable without immunity than Lex is. (In case this wasn't obvious enough, Rob makes it pretty clear when he tells Lex that Lex will be going.) So, for strategy's sake, and for the sake of keeping an ally like Lex around for future battles, Kathy should give it to him anyway. If he really wouldn't accept it, then fine. But at least offer it to him publicly at TribCon, with a million dollars on the line. Again, the McThursdayers told me that she couldn't because he wouldn't be able to give it back. But he should be able to refuse it, right? I think so. In fact, I think he would be able to give it back, if he wanted to. I think the right to give away immunity comes with having immunity. If Ving Rhames can give his Golden Globe to Jack Lemmon, then anyone can give anything to anyone. Sean Penn can give his Oscar to Jessica Simpson. Jermaine Dye can give Barry Bonds his 662nd home run. For that matter, Kathy could've given hers to Lex, then Rob gives his to Amber, then Lex gives back to Kathy, then everyone votes for Rob. That'd be fun!

But no, that isn't how it happens. Kathy shakes her head no, the voting progresses exactly according to plan, and Lex is ousted. So ends the renowned Lex-Rob friendship. We know it ends because when Lex is yelling at Rob for being a lying meanie, Rob says, "If you want to put our friendship on the line, I'll put our friendship on the line." Yep, he authorized Lex to stop being friends with him as a result of being lied to in the game. Apparently, Rob is under the impression that terminating a friendship is like launching a torpedo from a submarine – you both have to turn your keys at the same time. I always thought the way it worked was, if I decide to hate someone and not be friends with them, then that's it. No matter if they like it or not. Hm, I guess not. You learn something new on Survivor every week. Well, not if you're actually playing Survivor. But, you know, watching the show.

Next week: God only knows. Dalton Ross says Amber can still maybe win. Oo!

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