Mon, May 9, 2005
The Dumbest Guy in the Room
Over the weekend, I spent a couple of hours in the company of five lovely and very bright young ladies who graduated from Yale together sometime in the mid-1990s. We had a pediatrician, a successful journalist and television writer, a world-travelling consultant, an attorney, and Jody and me. It was the first time I've ever felt like the dumbest person in the room. (I'm not saying I'm usually the smartest, although in most cases I'm in the mix with two or three others.) It was, needless to say, a humbling experience, but not nearly as uncomfortable as I would have expected.
There were surprises, though. I'd never given any thought to when I might find myself in such a situation, but I think I generally assumed that people like this would be more "stuck up" – self-involved and difficult to spend time with. But these were the nicest women you could hope to meet – normal, enjoyable, friendly, and funny. Even as they were rattling off lists of sought-after day care programs on the upper east side, they didn't sound like the stereotypical TV "rich successful bitch," which probably shouldn't have surprised me but it was a delight nonetheless.
I also found that I was not as much jealous as I was introspective. "Wow," I kept thinking, "I really haven't done anything with my life." Because we were just hanging out, it wasn't so much intelligence as ambition that was on display, and as I got a brief glimpse into each of these lives I thought, "That's totally something I could have done, if I set my mind to it." Yet there I sat, gradually losing my hair, gaining a spare tire, and toiling away at a job I loathe. (Okay, not so much "toiling" as "showing up.") Yes, I'm in the middle of an eight-month plan to turn all that around and strike out towards the Career Of My Dreams, and sure I have five years to catch up to where they are now, but still – a startling wake-up call.
When I graduated high school and summoned just enough courage to move across the country to a giant and unfamiliar city without weeping openly for every waking minute, I felt like I could do or be anything. I still envisioned myself somehow exploding out of film school and into a skyrocketing Hollywood career. I can't pinpoint exactly when it was, but somewhere along the way, that vision faded. Today, I'm facing my new dream of working at Pixar for the next 30 years, and I'm really excited about it. I am pretty sure I'm not going to give up no matter what. However, that fresh-faced confidence of 19-year-old me is nowhere to be found. I can't visualize this stuff happening. I just have to put my head down and plow through the next steps in the plan, hoping that the view will improve at some point and the path will be revealed.
In high school, I never thought I'd have a crisis of confidence about my chosen path, because I'd known what I wanted to do with my life from the time I was twelve. I didn't even fathom the possibility that the plan would collapse and I'd have to start over. I don't think I fathomed it as it was happening. And I'm not saying it took a handful of really "together" ladies to remind me what it means to pursue a purposeful goal, but it was pretty fascinating and I left with eyes opened.
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Brandon — Tue, 5/10/05 3:26pm
However, that fresh-faced confidence of 19-year-old me is nowhere to be found. I can't visualize this stuff happening.
Yeah, but you're a different person now. While the 19 year-old you may have the edge on the current you in the area of boundless enthusiasm, there's a lot of other ways where the current you whips his punk ass. All that confidence and visualization is great when you're young, but it's often unfocused, and I think as you get older, you approach your goals and dreams from a more realistic angle. And there's nothing wrong with that.
And while you're dogging yourself for the day job, make sure you also give yourself credit and kudos for the great work you've done here and on the many other sites you've designed for others (including two fantastic ones for me). Success and accomplishment can and should be subjective terms, and you should allow yourself the right to stack onebee (or anything else) right up there with The Ladies - there's some of that fresh-faced confidence for ya.
Bee Boy — Tue, 5/10/05 4:47pm
Thanks for the kind words; comments like this are the reason you're the Patron Saint of the Onebee Comments Section – and also why my sister loves you.
In other news, the menial day job has agreed to pony up the cash for some classes in computer animation. Everything's coming up Milhouse!
"Alicia" — Thu, 6/9/05 11:12am
I'm just reading this now, though it was posted a month ago. Somehow I have never spoken with you about working for Pixar but have thought of it MANY MANY MANY times, what an important asset you would be to their team. You're creative, brilliant, and super hardworking. The only other thing a person needs is solid Ambition, so it sounds like you're good to go.
I'm really excited about this, mostly because it's so damn possible, dare I say, probable. Please keep us updated.