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Teenage Lust Dept.—11:10 AM

I rolled my eyes as hard as I've ever rolled them at an "Entertainment Weekly" cover this week, when I saw their ridiculous throwback "Hey, Remember the '90s" cover. (Well, the second hardest.)

But then I had to open it because I wanted to confirm that they'd snubbed my brilliant entry to their letters page regarding their article about the decline of the movie theatre experience. (They published me once before, in the '90s – hey, remember those? – so I felt pretty sure that since they didn't call me, I probably missed the cut.) Sure enough, bupkis. Their loss – here it is for the loyal denizens of BeeNation:

Read, and loved, your article on the problems of modern moviegoing. (#833) I still don't know why nobody's employed my idea: aerosolized laryngeal anesthetic pumped into every theatre. That'll cut those noisy chatterers down to a whisper and restore dignity and quiet to the cinema experience. Try it out; thank me later.

So, if anything, I was by now even less thrilled with this dopey issue of EW. But I flipped through the next few pages, as you do, just for kicks. Still grumbling at the idea of a '90s flashback cover story. It just barely stopped being the '90s four years ago! Come on!

And then... BAM!

Forgive me, EW. I repent. I have seen the error of my ways.

(Every time I lecherously objectify some sexy young starlet, I assume I come one step closer to alienating my entire female readership. As a result, I choose my battles carefully. In this case, though, no hesitation – Lacey! Yum!)

2 Comments (Add your comments)

Anonymous CowardFri, 4/21/06 12:05pm

want to take off her shirt and do her bad

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onebee