Sat, December 30

America: Love It vs. Leave It—2:39 PM

I don't watch a lot of football (although I'll admit, my concept of "watching a lot of football" was grossly underdeveloped before I lived in close proximity to my family). But on TV at the gym today was the Meineke Car Care Bowl.

Navy vs. Boston College. Seems like the perfect matchup, really. Support Our Troops vs. Massachusetts Liberal College Boys. It's on!

Update: BC 25, Navy 24 – Timetable for immediate withdrawal!

***

By the way, I put the end of the game on at home while I made lunch. It's rare that I have anything good to say about TV sports announcers, but today's pair really set a new low. From the sound of the voices and the coherency of the remarks, apparently the Meineke Bowl was announced by Abe Simpson and Late Night's Clutch Cargo Martha Stewart.

How difficult must it be for Navy to recruit football players? All the other schools have varieties of the same pitch: come here, you'll get free stuff, easy A's, you'll be treated like kings, and the first four rapes are free; but for Navy, it's all responsibility, service, and latrine-scrubbing. Plus, when you graduate, instead of falling into the arms of an alumni/booster network with an endless list of cushy jobs, you have to go over and risk your life in Bush's immoral war.

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Netflix—11:27 AM

I'm hosting a weekly movie night at my house, mostly as a way to get more out of my Netflix account and also to watch more titles from my own collection (a good 10% of which are still shrink-wrapped).

A few things have happened. One is that I finally ran into the shipping delays that Netflix was sued over a while back. They have a formula that sends your new movies slower if you return too many movies too quickly. They say they want to maximize the experience for the lowest-volume customers, but they also want to save a bit on shipping costs, and that's totally okay. I wish they wouldn't – or I wish the threshold were a bit higher, so people like me who are only high-volume for a month every year or so weren't included – but I understand they're running a business.

Another issue is that sometimes I don't send movies back fast enough to get the next movie I need in time for movie night. Since I'm drowning in Coke Rewards (just not enough to buy a Bravia – don't think I wasn't tempted to Punch Drunk Love it), I cash out a free rental at Blockbuster and pick up the movie there.

I hate Blockbuster. Originally for the reason some people hate Starbucks, which is not a good reason, but it's kind of like Wal-Mart: early on, we were all trained to reject the big chains that muscled our little mom-and-pops out. (RIP, Video Magic.) Mainly, I hate Blockbuster today because I'm a long-standing Netflix subscriber and small-time Netflix stockholder. However, when I go there, there are signs everywhere about their online service which competes with Netflix (I hate them so much!) but actually sounds like a much better option. Every month you get a coupon for a free in-store rental, and apparently you can return your online movies in the store and take a free rental for those, too. So you're not movieless during the time your movie is making its way back through the mail – certainly a bonus. Also, it's my understanding that if you get a scratched or unplayable DVD in the mail, you can go to the store and swap it out. This won't work for everything, of course – they won't have every movie in stock – but considering how infuriating it has been to get Netflix DVDs that just won't play a certain scene, it's a wildly tantalizing offer.

I went a few rounds with Netflix customer service a year ago when they sent me a copy of Bottle Rocket that looked like it had been strapped to an actual bottle rocket and fired into a diamond mine. Strap a DVD to the bottom of each shoe and figure skate down the sidewalk, you'd have a hard time telling the difference between your DVDs and this copy of Bottle Rocket. They ended up giving me a bonus free rental (which I later wasted on Crash) but I'd have been much happier if they just listened to my pleas to strengthen their inspection of incoming discs (and punish those who send them back like that – honestly, it sits on the shelf and it sits in the DVD player, how do you have time to dig deep gouges into it?). It happened again this week, right at a pivotal moment in Dear Frankie and I had to watch that scene in my laptop, which is apparently more tolerant of these things than my DVD player (who knew?).

I've been a vocal Netflix supporter for a long time; in fact, I've brought at least four friends into the Netflix fold. I'm sticking with Netflix out of loyalty and respect. For now. I really wish they'd give me some awesome reason that would nullify all the perfectly reasonable arguments for switching to Blockbuster Online. (I've never had any trouble with new releases, thankfully. But I'm willing to believe if I were a high-volume guy, I might.)

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Mon, December 25

Ironic White Rapping: Always Funny—1:31 PM

Cameron Diaz discovers just how far JT is willing to take that "hilarious" Dick in a Box gag.

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Misdirected Outrage Dept.—12:51 PM

Re: the Parents Television Council complaints about NBC's uncensored version of the SNL "Dick in a Box" video on its website. (Where's my Andy Samberg is Just Not Funny PAC?)

Keep in mind, the PTC exists only as a political entity to push "culture war" issues and try to convince moderate Republican voters that their values are under attack. Whenever you hear of a giant outcry from "family groups" over something "indecent" on TV, it's something whipped up by the PTC, sending out the same form-letter complaint on behalf of thousands of members and non-members, just trying to get publicity. This time (like usual) it worked.

They don't sound like reasonable, informed parents because that's not who they represent; they're only adopting that guise to push a political agenda. If their complaints don't make a lot of sense to you, fear not; they weren't meant to.

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Mon, December 18

Sitcoms!—8:19 PM

With "A Benihana Christmas" (and, actually, with the cumulative effect of every episode this season), The Office affirms that it is in fact, the best show on television. The beauty of it? Very delicate character-based humor. Obviously, I've been squawking about character-based humor for years, in reference to this show and others (like Everybody Loves Raymond), but the "Validity Committee" moment in this episode is a perfect example of how to do it in very subtle ways. And, even better, it's still funny if you don't know Jim, Dwight, and Angela very well – it's just much, much funnier if you do.

All in all, a terrific episode. And, I caught one other thing. Pam's hair is wavier now (it used to be frizzier; compare the footage of her in the show with the footage of her in the credits). I was going to criticize The Office for having sold out and made Pam a little prettier this year, but it turns out they didn't do it this year – they did it in the "Merger" episode. The show wasn't trying to make Pam a little less mousy to capture America's affection as new viewers came aboard – Pam did it herself! Even better, this is the hairstyle she wore to "Casino Night," which means they didn't just make something up out of nowhere (and also, this is how she looked when Jim kissed her, so there's reason for her to return to that look). Very nicely done. (And yes, I spent more time researching this than I should have. But hooray for saving the whole season on TiVo!)

Also, pairing Pam and Karen? Brilliant. The show continues to prove that it can be realistic, hilariously entertaining, suspenseful, and unexpected all at the same time. (Same with the Jim-and-Michael moments, especially this week but there have been others before.) A show should get tremendous credit for improving when it was in a bit of a slide (as Friends and Seinfeld each did, in their way), but even more for improving while it's at the top of its game. (Scrubs is also toying with this right now, and of course 30 Rock continues to dazzle me to the verge of tears.)

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Fri, December 15

Below the Parvati Line

Yul's game continues to unravel, and we're going into the finale with five people instead of four. This is going to be a very difficult endgame to predict. (Read more.)

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Thu, December 14

Slides Rule!

"The nation's foremost indy-vaudeville conceptual art-rock family slideshow pop band." I'm going to try to describe the experience for you, but mostly I suggest you go and savor it for yourself. (Read more.)

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Awards Mean Nothing—11:47 AM

Yay for Studio 60! America's Favriest actress has been nominated for a Golden Globe. The Globes used to be the trifling, meaningless cousin of the Oscars but now that the Oscars have made it their purpose to take meaninglessness to a new level, I think the Globes are where it's at. It's certainly a more fun show to watch (although with Ellen hosting the Oscars this year, that could change).

Of course, the big story is Alec Baldwin's nod for 30 Rock. This should've been a foregone conclusion, but considering all the attention Babel and Grey's Anatomy got, we can safely assume the HFPA's heads are planted up their hairy foreign asses. Thankfully, Baldwin's brilliance still got through. It's a shame the show didn't get a Best Comedy nod, but these things take time.

I'm sorry Matthew Perry didn't get recognized for Studio 60, but he did get a nod for The Ron Clark Story which was actually quite excellent. He should win; he was great in it, and he's got that name recognition thing.

Deadwood, of course, was robbed. But I don't know what the date range is for the Globes (does anyone?) so maybe that doesn't count as a snub.

Nevertheless – Oscar pool, here we come!

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Wed, December 13

Wrong About Jon

We're past the point in Survivor where I stop caring about who I want to win and start caring about who I want to lose. Candice and Nate have lost, so I'm satisfied – and, like in the Oscar pool, apathy breeds contentment, and an odd Zen-like clarity. (Read more.)

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Tue, December 12

Ban Whatever I Hate

Whoa... if you really get me going, I can sound like Ann Coulter a little. (Read more.)

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Thu, December 7

Where We Stand

Here it is! The most belated Survivor column in this site's history! Take it or leave it! (Read more.)

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onebee Winter Update—9:58 AM

Quick Hits! – uh... Some Things That Have Been on My Mind:

• Three days a week – at least – I wake up with thoughts of terminating onebee. I just mention this because it's something I've been thinking about. I don't say this as a threat (believe me, it won't happen) or to solicit telegrams of encouragement. (In fact, any e-mail or comments on the subject will be deleted, after I've read them.) Every now and then, I get to a point where I have a half dozen articles partly finished, but none of them is inspiring me to get the job done. Then I look at the pile of books I don't have time to read and the pages of TiVo shows I don't have time to watch and I wonder if it's time to re-prioritize. As with most things, I think the answer is to sleep less.

• Why do we still have Oscar categories for Best Actor and Best Actress, separately? I don't like the way the Globes separate drama from comedy (so many movies have a little of both), but that would make more sense than separating men from women. Is the point that there are different roles for men and women? If so, Felicity Huffman should've been nominated for Best Actor in Transamerica. John Travolta won't be getting a nod for Hairspray, but if he did, it should be as Best Actress. I'm not talking about Tootsie, but in roles that are completely male or completely female, the performer should be in the appropriate category, if the point of the Actor/Actress split is to honor both types of roles. If, instead, it's to create a WNBA-style second tier in which girls can still compete, I think that's dumb.

• At what point do you start writing on your blog about someone you're dating? (The very act of posing this question should make someone eternally undatable, but I've made my peace with being too geeky to love.) I think the answer is probably "never," or possibly, "after you're married." Too many opportunities for disaster. At what point does she start reading your blog? Does she peruse the archives? If so, is it allowable for you to give her a list of the best links? Can I be dumped for something I wrote online three years ago? Some bloggers out there must have written accounts of these situations; I'll have to hit Google and see what I can find.

• The Survivor column. I tried a new strategy this year to avoid burnout by diving into the season a few episodes late. It hasn't worked. I think mainly I'm just really bad on a deadline. I should take this as an opportunity to get better about that. My choices last night were to stay up super-late and catalogue the last two episodes or just wait another week. I think rest is the best chance to nip this head cold in the bud, so I stuck with that. Plus, all signs point to a non-TribCon week tonight, so hopefully I won't be that far behind when I write Monday's column over the weekend. It's been a pretty fantastic season, though. Already, the greatest moment in Survivor history has been surpassed by Candice's line last week: "That is wrong! That's coming out at Tribal." Ah, Hall Monitor Probst. He's like Santa – they can't stop believing in him.

• (Update!: I got to work and had a few minutes, and now I'm most of the way through one possible version of today's Survivor column. So, stay tuned! Maybe it'll be posted before shortly after lunch.)

• (Update Again: You guys totally understood I meant lunch on the west coast, right?)

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“Rotate that 75º around the vertical”—12:14 AM

Nothing says "procrastinating on the Survivor column" like adding comments to random blog posts across the net.

In this case, it's the giddily entertaining What code DOESN'T do in real life (that it does in the movies) – a fun debunk of ridiculous computer-related falsehoods in the movies.

Here's me, discussing one commenter's peeve – that annoying ability of any computer to digitally enhance any image such that the resolution of any tiny area becomes infinite:

That one is beautiful! And in almost every case it's another example of computer people eschewing the mouse. The shoulder-beasting cop says, "Zoom in on this area" and mashes his greasy fingers all over the nice screen, then you hear the computer tech go clackety-clik-clak on the keyboard, which produces a rectangular selection, which he then moves over the area in question (again, using the keyboard) before zooming in. The hell?

Of course, my all time favorite in this area was in "Enemy of the State" (which is actually a movie I enjoyed very much). They're reviewing grainy security-cam footage of Will Smith holding a shopping bag from a lingerie store. The footage is only from one angle, the opposite side of the bag from the part they want to see. So the computer tech is instructed, "Rotate that 75 degrees around the vertical" (priceless!) and - clackety-clak - he does! The computer somehow magically interpolates every crease and wrinkle on the opposite side of the bag from the side the camera captured. Man, would that ever be useful.

The all-time greatest, of course, is Swordfish, which is mentioned by another commenter on the page. Hugh Jackman is hired to create a worm/virus, so he sits at this giant, multi-monitored station and works on this series of giant, interlocking 3D blobs that he's trying to somehow fit together by typing textual commands into the computer. Utterly, utterly weird. I know filmmakers are tasked with the difficult job of making something abstract like computer code look real, but it's like they didn't even try. Fortunately, they had Halle Berry's tits to distract us.

And no discussion of fake movie image enhancement would be complete without mention of Murder at 1600, in which dramatic-political-thriller mainstay Dennis Miller plays a cop who asks a computer tech to blow up an image that has been scanned from a 35mm negative. (Miller has discovered that little-known secret that the prints you get from Target actually crop the frame a bit, leaving out some information that is available on the negative.) Half of a murder suspect is right on the edge of the negative's frame, so Miller wants a closer look. The computer tech clickety-cliks, and the image becomes larger but for some reason, the sprocket holes above and below stay the same. It's as if they're just a window for enclosing the photographic image on the celluloid – no matter how closely you peer into that image, there they are faithfully surrounding it!

Ah, this has been fun, and truly... an address that changes all the rules.

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Mon, December 4

Dustin Checks In—10:19 AM

The Survivor column is running late again. (I suppose you can expect a lot of that. I admire ARCC Joe Mulder's courageous ability to pull the plug on the Athletic Reporter when it became an onerous chore, rather than waiting until the quality started to suffer – the quality of the writing and his quality of life. Having long ago passed the opportunity to "go out on top," my only choice is to keep slogging along. It was a great episode this week, though.)

Of course, for your adventure-reality dollar, you can really do no better than The Amazing Race, which suffered a crippling blow this week when beauty queens Dustin (Miss California) and Kandice (Miss New York) were eliminated after two uncharacteristically slow legs. Came down to bad luck, mostly, plus a little navigational foul-up last week and a faulty Detour call this week. It's a shame because they were by far my favorite. Initially, I adored them for all the obvious reasons (plus the added benefit that I just knew Miss Alli would hate them simply for being pretty, and I love to love the contestants she unreasonably hates). But it turns out they were excellent racers, bright strategists, and tough competitors, so I was able to keep on loving them guilt-free and they were able to stay around and be loved. (Astonishingly, Miss Alli recognized these qualities in them, too; fortunately, her true colors shone through by about mid-season, when she started blaming them needlessly for imagined transgressions, just like most of the other contestants did.) They raced hard; they raced smart; they ran their own race, with little regard for what others were doing. For these reasons alone, I loved them. That they were ebullient, charming, and ridiculously hot was just icing on the cake. (Also, Kandice has always reminded me of Amanda Detmer, which is just fun in and of itself.)

But they slipped in all these areas a bit during the last two episodes (cockiness? fatigue?) and so there's no one to blame but K&D for their elimination. Still, it's such a shame to see them go. No one remains whom I'd like to see win. But, let's doff our cap to Tyler and James, who have essentially wrapped this thing up. It would take a monumental fuckup for them to lose now (not that they haven't made a few). All three remaining teams are equally poor navigators and strategists, but James and Tyler are the strongest physically and by far the least dysfunctional, which ordinarily equals one million dollars. (You can't see it, but I'm doing that Dr. Evil pinky thing right now. Not because I'm trying to bring it back, but because it was never gone!)

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Sat, December 2

On a clear day, you can see my house...—4:47 PM

It's not often that a national TV network will cut live from Jacksonville, FL (my hometown) to Los Angeles (my home for a memorable nine years), but they did it just now on ABC, moving from the ACC Championship here in town to the USC/UCLA game out in Pasadena.

Fittingly enough, the weather is drizzly and grey here today and bee-yootiful out on the coast. (Not that I'm complaining; after a few warm and muggy days in a row, this weekend's front is a godsend.) Of course, I'm delighted to be where I am – and this week is a particularly good time to be close to family. But it kind of makes you wonder why there are Americans who don't live in southern California.

Go Trojans!

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Fri, December 1

Remembering Uncle Bob

Our family lost a powerful and vibrant member this week. Life will never be the same without him, and we cherish the many memories we shared. (Read more.)

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