Thu, January 3, 2008
Snow What the Fuck?—11:30 AM
Over the holidays, Hallmark was offering a little robotic plush trinket called "Snow What Fun" for $25 (or $15 if you bought three cards). It represents a snowman, a penguin, and a puppy, preposterously out of proportion, riding a sled along a snow bank. If you clap or squeeze or activate it in some fashion, it plays a little tune and the three characters dance.
Every time the commercial came on TV, I flew into an apoplectic rage. (Seriously; ask my sister.) Aside from my general bewilderment at the concept of inserting pointy robots into cuddly toys (Breakdancing Elmo, etc.), I just don't see what possible purpose this thing serves. Kids can't play with it because it's unwieldy, fixed in position, and full of hard metal pieces. Adults who can derive any pleasure from watching it squirm and beep should be institutionalized; that's just inexpressibly sad. So what's the point? What can it say that can't be expressed with a Christmas cookie or a hug? What on Earth allows Hallmark to think it deserves to turn a profit on this thing? Because, the way I see it, every single one of these things is destined for a landfill. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but every goddamned one of them will be in a landfill, adding to a huge pile of unwanted muck that can't be recycled and will never go away. Some will be given as gifts; some will be purchased as decorations; most will go unsold. The latter will hit the landfills first, of course, but the others will follow soon enough. At most, it may take a generation or two: Granny keels over and her kids and grandkids chuck the thing or donate it to the thrift store, where the cycle renews.
Whatever depraved individual is sitting at Hallmark dreaming these things up (and don't think this is the only one) should face the impact of piling the stupid things on top of our already mountainous trash piles. Each one he cranks off the assembly line is destined to occupy a calculable mass on this planet – essentially forever – and if I had my way, that same mass would be extracted from his kidneys. Snow what that, motherfucker!
AC — Thu, 1/3/08 7:49pm
OMG, if you took 2 steps into my Grandma's house, you'd explode.
Joe Mulder — Fri, 1/4/08 1:39pm
This is the only part I would take issue with, as the ages of the puppy and the penguin are apparently not provided, and a snowman (also a sleigh, for that matter) can, in effect, be any size.
Snow what a shame that Jameson overlooked this point.