Thu, February 21, 2008

Sorry we had to reschedule class a few days late this week; it's been a rough time. You probably saw a very slanted article in the school paper about me being caught with a couple of coeds in the Faculty Jacuzzi last weekend, but I can promise you none of it is true. Okay, just about all of it is technically true, but the facts have been twisted to portray a much more sordid situation than we actually had.

Besides, it was all just research for this season of Survivor, which is turning out to be the skankiest, humpiest, sex-havingest chunk of reality television ever to not feature Trishelle Cannatella. And that's a fine jumping off point for this week's discussion, which will be on the subject of the sub-alliance.

I. Dividing Your Team

(By the way, there will be points off for the use of BurnettCo's cutesy terms like "tribe," or "treemail," or referring to the contestants as "survivors." This serious, scholarly analysis here, people. Let's not drag down the quality of our discourse. Also, Morgan, I think you left your panties in my office yesterday – see me after class.)

Airai escaped Tribal Council last week, which means they get three extra days of getting-to-know you time with all their new teammates, and so far it isn't going well. Kathy, the crazy woman who blurts out the most uncomfortable question she can think of at any given instant, has made friends with Chet and Tracy in the traditional Elder-Melding League of the Damned. This means her nutbagginess is transferring to the other two by association, so they're collectively becoming despised by everyone else.

There follows a thoroughly bizarre exchange over the placement and construction of a new shelter, which I can only believe is the result of massive editing. Real people don't behave this way, do they? The super-powered BurnettCorp rain machine has been ripping through their hastily assembled shelter, so Airai wants to build a new one. Jason, Joel, and some others are poking around, looking for a spot, chopping some logs, and generally making themselves look busy while weighing their options for the new shelter.

Kathy, Chet, and Tracy kind of watch, without doing anything – pretty much as any person would do in this situation where nothing is being done and three or four people are already busy doing it. Whenever they arrive anywhere, Jason's group has already begun acting busy, so the best they can do is discuss from the sidelines. Eventually they wander off to find their own location: a stretch of beach which extends under a cave wall leaving space for a small-framed adult to wedge himself between the sand and the wall. It might offer just enough shelter that the only driving rain you'd be pelted with is splashing from the sand (or if the wind should happen to blow in any direction other than away from the rock face). The three kind of plan to settle there, but before they get beyond the planning stage (which is a pretty slow and laborious stage for them), Jason shows up and claims the cave area for him and his friends, which includes everyone else on Airai except those three. Everyone kind of stands akimbo until Kathy, Chet, and Tracy get the hint and wander off. Moments later (in editing-time), they're hard at work on their own shelter a few yards away. Joel comments sarcastically, "Oh yeah. We're not divided." Well your little clique just tossed them out, ass. What are they supposed to do?

Airai suffers a remmunity loss in which Chet – unable to complete his task swiftly – sort of half-heartedly trudges out of the water as though someone has called a do-over. This is indefensible by pretty much any standard (OSTEWHUB), but his three think of it as "trying his best" while everyone else sees it as "being a lazy shit." Alexis, the motivational speaker, suggests everyone give themselves a round of applause – which, fortunately they don't, because next she'd have them doing trust-falling exercises and writing out their goals.

This sets Airai up for its first Tribal Council, and the fairly obvious choice to eliminate Chet. They know Kathy has her immunity idol from the first ten minutes of the game, and they think she might have another since she (and Cirie) spent a day on Exile Island after the remmunity challenge.

II. Know Your Alliances

This sets the stage for Mike to unleash his display of the sort of excessive strategizing that seems to be the cornerstone of this season's game. Both the "fans" and the "favorites" seem terrified by the prospect of opponents who have played the game before, so a bunch of them are becoming trapped in mazes of strategy and counter-strategy going round and round in their heads. To head off any unpredictable immunity-based outcomes, Mike is suggesting the three women vote for Tracy while the four men vote for Chet – this way if Kathy hands an immunity idol to Chet, Tracy is eliminated with the second-most votes. He's got dozens of scenarios laid out, and he serves to confuse everyone (myself included) as he goes about listing them all and explaining who votes for whom.

It's fine to want to be prepared, but this is the sort of thing that always torpedoes Jonathan. "Being underprepared is bad. The opposite of bad is good. The opposite of underprepared is overprepared. Thus, being overprepared is good!" Already, people are giggling and telling Mike he's "overthinking it." What happens when it comes time to vote and someone forgets her assignment?

Over at Malakal the "favorites" are faring no better. Everyone seems buoyed by the cathartic unanimous elimination of Jonny Fastquit – Ozzy most of all. On the trip back from Tribal Council, he allegedly seizes a fish from the ocean with his bare hands. Then, after lights-out, he and Amanda go at it like two horny teenagers sharing simultaneous custody of a lozenge. While Yau-Man comically snores through the entire performance, the cameramen are awake, as are Jon and Cirie, who start commiserating about how uncomfortable it is to be sleeping in close proximity to two people who are basically having sex. Cirie moans that there will soon be birth announcements, and whips out the term "little Ozzlets" in reference to the unholy spawn of this pairing. I missed the part of the Exile Island season when she started to become tolerable to people, but if it featured this kind of thing, I'm fully on board.

Jon finds the whole thing really stupid; Cirie is scared of the power of the four-person alliance created by the two couples. I'd be pretty happy about it, myself. For one thing, there's only four of them; that puts them in the minority. Also, they're kind of predictable. You know where their allegiances are, and you can pair them off against each other if you need to. Jon and Cirie agree to work together to defeat these four, which is exactly the sort of thing each of them needs. In fact, Jon would be wise in my opinion to cement an alliance with Cirie which will bring her into his existing alliance as a "fifth," but actually create a sub-alliance of two. In fact, maybe he has – it seems like the kind of thing he'd think of to do.

In interviews, Ozzy and Amanda are both so embarrassed by their flirting, frolicking, and fornication. Ozzy is torn because on the one hand Amanda is hot, and on the other, entering a romantic relationship is bound to make him a target, especially in the wake of AmbeRob in the previous game of returning players. Of course, he overlooks such obvious solutions as: put off fucking her until after the game ends. Nah, that wouldn't work, would it? Amanda says essentially the same thing. She likes him sooo much, but she "doesn't want to screw up [her] game." Amanda, let me tell you, it's doable. I've not had sex with countless hot women, even without the chance at a million dollars to persuade me. (Although if anyone is considering initiating such a prize... be in touch.) Sure, sex is fun. And sex on TV is... also sex. But I just can't imagine it's completely impossible to resist when you know how negatively it will affect your ability to win the game. Maybe they just don't think anyone will notice. I mean, sure they used night-vision cameras on every previous season of Survivor – but they wouldn't use them again, would they?

III. Know Your Sub-Alliances

Back at Airai, Joel is really frustrated. There's just one thing that really bugs him in a game of Survivor: when one guy controls all the voting and makes decisions unilaterally. He looks at Mike, and Mike's obvious sub-alliance with Mary (yes, even on Fan Island, there's flirting – do they sequester these people in a nunnery for six months before filming?) and decides he's being taken advantage of.

Which, in a way, he is. Mike is using Joel's vote (and Erik's, Alexis's, Natalie's, and Jason's) to accomplish something he wants. But the thing is: all those people want to accomplish it, too. Whether or not I personally agree that Chet is the weakest player they can currently vote for, they all seem to agree. It's a bitch when one guy is throwing all his weight around and making people miserable (Aras, Rupert, Boston Rob) but in a situation like this, it's decidedly convenient. Everyone can get rid of Chet while remaining confident that if anyone goes digging, they'll uncover Mike as the mastermind. Win-win.

Instead, Joel chooses to align a vote against... Mary. The logic being: he can't spare Mike in the event of future physical challenges, but he can weaken Mike's power base by taking away his sub-alliance partner and throwing him back into the game as a single player. Joel gets Natalie, Erik, and Alexis to agree to this relatively quickly. I suppose this works out for them, too – it's just a longer-term reward instead of an immediate one. But here's where it gets icky for me. When Kathy returns from Exile Island, Joel steps up to her as soon as her feet hit the beach. "Vote Mary. Don't ask any questions, just do what I'm telling you. Write it down." So all that bluster about how unfair it is for one person to unilaterally control the voting? Less about fairness – more about whether Og is in charge. At least when Mike told people how to vote, he made them feel included in the process.

III. Know When To Hold 'Em

Joel then interviews that he's mildly concerned Mike and Mary might have noticed him slinking off to talk to the other people in his sub-alliance. (According to the editors, he hasn't been very subtle about it.) He allows for the possibility that the others are "smart enough to turn on me like I turned on Mike," since he might seem too powerful or too manipulative now. I think that's possible, but after the number of times these people have been jerked around by different hypothetical voting scenarios up to this point, I bet they're too exhausted to reason it out.

But if Joel is aware of this, it makes me curious why he doesn't wait a week to make his move on Mike. He'll still have the numbers next time, and so far Mike's a nice public figurehead who's still accomplishing things the whole group wants. Organizing this sneaky counter-vote is going to be real conspicuous real fast, and then Mike will be gunning for Joel. They have to square off eventually, but why rush it, especially in an alliance landscape as volatile as Airai still is?

Joel says he's not too worried because "I can think on my feet," which is great in a balance beam situation but at Tribal Council if the votes don't start going your way, there's no additional time for impromptu strategizing.

At TribCon, Mike is definitely surprised, and Joel (who voted for Tracy in a powerhouse move of plausible deniability that I'm sure no one will see through) can be seen grinning smugly to himself. Although it actually looks like he might be smiling at someone's speech during the Tribal Council Q&A session – something about this shot feels a little edited.

Coach Probst, of course, has input for them. "First Tribal Council. First blindside." he says in an admonishing tone that seems to say, "You should know better. The first vote is for a useless old person nobody liked anyway." Just once, I'd like the twist to be this: 20 weirdos with questionable social skills host the show, and Probst sleeps in the dirt and plays for a million dollars. Then we'd see how Survivor was really meant to be played. My bet? He lays down his torch after the first day, and must suffer the glowering, shameful stare of all 20 co-hosts, or at least the six or seven who are not currently having sex.

Study Questions

1. As Mike votes for Chet, he says, "You blew it with your body, your brains, and your heart. That's not acceptable to be a teammate of mine." Does he think there's an award for the best vote speech? Does he think he's Rupert?

2. Mary is easily the most attractive woman in this year's game, and she's already gone. What does this say about my Survivor Hottie Postulate? About my likelihood of watching all the way to the end of this season?

3. During the instructional seminar before the remmunity challenge, Coach Probst volunteers information about Exile Island – the winning team will choose someone from the losing team to go – but waits until after the game to tell them someone from the winning team goes, too. But he doesn't hold this information in an antiquey-looking bottle with a wax seal. Has their bottle budget plummeted, or has someone finally realized how ridiculous this tradition was?

4. How funny would it be if someone noticed Ozzy and Amanda going at it in the shelter and just started rubbing against them? "What? Oh, you mean there are boundaries in this situation?"

Viewing for Next Session

"I Should Be Carried on the Chariot-Type Thing" (tonight), in which the poor natives are forced to shed their quiet dignity and become extras in some sort of Birth of a Nation epic battle to satisfy Burnett's bloodlust. The contestants' faces will be painted, alternately, like tribal warriors or KISS. Joel will, with no apparent irony, proclaim that "if somebody comes and invades my home, I'm gonna kill 'em."

Also, "That's Baked, Barbecued and Fried!" from Thursday 2/28. There will be no class next Monday; I have a meeting with my union rep and the Faculty Counsel's Office is sending over their Sexual Harrassment and Human Sacrifice Liaison. We should have everything cleared up by the first week in March – and if I'm lucky, the Faculty Hired Goons will be extracting a retraction from the student paper as well.

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