Wed, May 21, 2003

A friend of mine who has a tendency to see things very powerfully in black-and-white told me that she believes that in the Mary Chapin Carpenter song "He Thinks He'll Keep Her" the husband is entirely to blame for everything. We were talking about the song because it is a very powerful song since for me it describes exactly the situation I fear most. I have a dangerous tendency to love very strongly and unconditionally. And I am almost worthless without companionship. It's only due to a strict regimen of being miserably alone for 25 years that I can even get up in the morning without that special someone to look forward to spending my day with. So, it follows logically that I would be terrified of the possibility of loving someone with all of my being, only to have her change her mind and walk out.

There was an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond that poignantly explored a similar premise. Ray had held onto an answering machine tape from college because it contained a message where a girl he had been seeing broke up with him over the phone suddenly. As Ray put it, the tape had special meaning for him because it was the first time he learned that someone can just break your heart and they don't have to have a reason. You don't get to force them to reconsider or anything. It's happened to me a few times and it's a very powerless feeling. You want to make them try again but you know that nothing can force them to feel a different way and they'll only resent you if you get all whiny. And on top of all that it causes you to doubt whether they ever really wanted you in the first place. A bummer, all around.

So, when I listen to "He Thinks He'll Keep Her," what I hear is that very same terror made manifest. I am reminded that even fifteen years of an apparently happy marriage, with children and everything, is no guarantee. It scares me because I'm worried about what I'll be like in that situation. Will I live every day in constant fear? The way I understand the song, something just changes in her inexplicably. There seems to be a mutual lack of communication, but it doesn't seem like he's abusing her or she's frustrated and struggling. The song focuses on her routine, but it doesn't really say that she hates it and it certainly doesn't say that she ever brings it up to her husband.

But my friend sees it differently. In her interpretation the husband is an ignorant lout who takes advantage of her kindness and forces her into a stereotypical stay-at-home mom routine. Despite the fact that this is never mentioned in the song, my friend has this impression of the husband out drinking with his friends while she's at home feeding the children and taking care of the house. It's simply assumed that the man is uncaring and uninvested in the relationship, and that he's ignoring clear signs from his wife that his behavior dissatisfies her. In my opinion, it's unfair to assume that unless the song includes a new verse:

She feels discarded, he's never there
She gets the feeling he doesn't care

When she was thirty-two she took him by the hand,
She sat him down and tried to make him understand

(Chorus)

But it doesn't have that verse. Which to me makes it unfair to interpret the song as blaming either party in particular. As far as either of them can understand, things just changed. She fell out of love with him. She's as surprised as he is. Which makes the song more poignant anyway, in my opinion. It's not an angry story about him as an uncaring husband any more than it's about her as an abandoning wife and mother. It's just a very sad story about the fact that human emotions are subject to change.

In many ways I wish it were the way my friend sees it, because then I could continue to believe that it could never happen to me. I know enough to be very careful and not let her feel taken for granted. But it's not that easy. Despite my best efforts, there's no guarantee that she'll stay forever. He doesn't think he's too good for her. He doesn't think she owes it to him to drive the kids to the dentist. He doesn't think she's trapped in her marriage, or that she's slowly falling out of love with him. He just thinks he'll keep her.

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