Mon, December 13, 2004

Lately, watching a season of Survivor has become very similar to every other terrible, regrettable idea: the minute after you've done it, you instantly want to forget about it forever. Calling your sister-in-law a bitch, sleeping with a five-dollar hooker in your parents' bed, marrying Liza Minnelli. It's unbearable to relive any part of it – you want to pretend it never happened. Any evidence that contradicts that denial must be destroyed immediately.

It's for that reason that – as "fun" as it is to write about Survivor week in and week out – I have so far not managed to write about a Survivor finale. As soon as it ends, as soon as there's that unsubtle cut between the final tribal council and the live set in New York – that cut where everyone suddenly gains 8-15 pounds and the mud on their clothes disappears – I can't bear to give any more thought to it. It's my own damn fault. If I were any less lazy about finding subject material for this site, I'd just stop watching Survivor and go on with my life. (Sorry, that should read: go on with my "life.")

So, this time around I decided at approximately week three that I would write the recap of the Survivor finale in advance of it actually happening. For one thing, they're so predictable any more. For another, it would guarantee that the column would actually get written. The drawback was that I had to wait until Thursday night to start on it, because at the time I thought it would be cheeky to incorporate a certain realism and use the actual final four in my version. (What a waste of time. I should've written this months ago, when I could still put in the people I liked.) (Who am I kidding? I don't like any of them!)

The benefit of procrastinating on this task is that the "live blogging" approach turned out to be far more successful than I anticipated, so I'm going to resurrect it for the finale. Herewith, my "pre-live blogging" of the Survivor: Vanuatu finale. God help us all.

7:58:55 - CBS, hating TiVo as much as the other networks do, starts the show early. This doesn't benefit them at all because they didn't announce that it would start early, so households (TiVo and non-TiVo, alike) who weren't already on CBS just miss part of the beginning of the show, while households who were already on CBS don't miss it but don't have any idea that it's happened, because nobody really sets their clocks to be accurate down to the second (other than me), so they just figure it's 8:00 already which means they won't be scared into tuning into other shows earlier in the future – which means this is a lose-lose move for the networks, because they gain nothing from it and only succeed in alienating viewers who were already planning to tune into the show. The networks – being petulant, whiny children – don't care that it hurts them, they just know TiVo is new and new is bad, and they heard something about TiVo skipping TV commercials but failed to look at the research that says that's not a bad thing. So, they don't care that it's lose-lose. They just want to fuck everything up for everyone. (Don't believe me that CBS would rather poison the water than engage viewers and potentially turn a profit? Sit through an episode of Listen Up.)

8:11:17 - The first segment before the commercial break is a recap of the entire series – yet another reason not to watch the finale – after the opening song and the ads, this week's episode finally begins. Eliza is shocked (shocked!) that Chris voted against Julie and herself, and staggers around in the night vision expressing her shock, her eyes extraordinarily wide. (This last is no effect of the shock, mostly just her bone structure and malnutrition.)

8:12:50 - Chris, always the strategist, always playing every angle, doesn't miss the opportunity to explain to Eliza that everything's still fine, and he did what's best for his final three alliance which, she is intended to assume, includes her.

8:14:00 - Scout and Twila gloat mercilessly. It's a good thing the Janet Jackson decision was just handed down (and it's a good thing this isn't Fox), because CBS doesn't air the footage of them making out.

8:14:01 - (Not that I have anything wrong with lesbians, even ugly lesbians. Even bitchy lesbians! Be whomever you want to be. But these two are thick as theives and smug as... uh, smeives – and I'm sick of them and I hate them not for what their lifestyle choices may or may not be, but for who they are as people.)

8:23:07 - Chris interviews that everything is exactly how he wants it to be and he's very impressed with himself because he never expected to be able to turn things around. Ken Jennings pops out from behind a nearby tree to give him tips on how to appear falsely modest when taking a game show to school and ruling every part of it like your personal bitch. Chris affects a gawkier, shruggier posture, and gives a shy smile. Ken congratulates him on a job well done, then heads back into the jungle, where a shirtless Alex Trebek is waiting impatiently for him with an impish grin on his face, lipstick on his nipples, and a belt cinched around his throat.

8:25:40 - Eliza interviews that she's talked to Chris and she feels pretty confident that if she just trusts him and takes a nap all will work out for the best in the best of all possible worlds. (You can kind of hear Trebek groaning in the background.)

8:31:17 - Probst gathers the final four contestants for their last reward challenge. The reward is a full meal, a change of clothes, two cars, a movie star trailer with sunroof and DirecTV, a pizza, and a canister of Pringles. The challenge is to throw rocks at Probst's head. The first person to knock him unconscious or cause him to involuntarily sing "Memories" from "Cats" wins.

8:36:14 - Twila wins the reward. Probst lays face-down in an ever-widening pool of his own blood.

8:41:21 - Back at camp, Twila and Eliza fight over a cup of sand.

8:43:12 - Chris chuckles a lot and makes vague promises to both women like he will paint their initials on the moon or he will name a macadamia nut after them. Both seem sated.

8:46:17 - It's time for the night's first immunity challenge. This is the one with the gay multiple choice questions about everyone else who played the game. Scout gets one question right: the one about her partner Annie. Twila gets five questions right: the ones about Lea, Scout, and a couple of the other women who were originally on Yasur. Eliza gets seven questions right, because she's good at quizzes. Chris gets all ten right because he watches Survivor a lot, so he knew to prepare for this. Chris, Twila, and Scout immediately vote Eliza off, then Probst reminds them that Tribal Council is later on. The prop guys have to come in and light all the torches and turn on the smoke machine. Plus the "special" kid who just happens to be the godson of Charlie Parsons hasn't finished making all the ballots with the plastic Discovery Channel Store papyrus-making kit he got for Christmas last year.

8:51:30 - Back at camp, everyone is whispering and dividing up and whispering again. They're all abuzz about who will be voted out. Scout and Twila will not vote for each other and can't vote for Chris, so it's decided that they'll vote for Eliza again. Chris tells Eliza that he and Scout will vote for Twila with her. Eliza believes it and immediately commences writing thank you notes to all the members of the jury.

8:53:14 - Tribal Council. The jury walks in. Leann is wearing a pink "I ♥ Rob" T-shirt; Julie is wearing body paint like Heidi Klum in "Sports Illustrated". Probst starts asking a bunch of loaded questions that don't mean anything. All the jury members roll their eyes. Eliza responds to a question about loyalty. Chad and Lea roll their eyes. Scout responds to a question about honesty. Ami rolls her eyes. Twila responds to a question about Jung's THe Undiscovered Self. Chris rolls his eyes. Eliza, noting this, rolls her eyes. Twila rolls her eyes. Scout rolls her eyes. Leann rolls her eyes. Eliza rolls Chris's eyes. Probst rolls snake eyes. Gary Sinise in a dapper suit yells at Nicolas Cage in ridiculously wide lapels. Nicolas Cage marries Michael Jackson's ex-wife. Bubbles rolls his eyes.

8:56:56 - Eliza gets three votes. Twila gets one. Eliza's torch is snuffed. Her eyes bug completely out of her head. She carries them away from the Tribal Council arena in her buff.

9:03:45 - Chris, Scout, and Twila wake up in Twila's trailer and watch Eliza on The Early Show, expressing shock that things didn't magically line up for her without her lifting a finger. They laugh and laugh. Chris involuntarily turns Twila and Scout against each other, out of habit.

9:08:28 - Probst sends the final three on their spirit quest. They must walk around the entire perimeter of the island, thinking about the others with whom they played the game and releasing a helium balloon with that person's name stenciled on it in islandy writing. As they release each balloon, they must say something nice about that person. And would it kill them to say something nice about Center of the Universe, Wednesdays at 9:30 on CBS? America's most watched network? It's just like CSI, minus the beard, plus two hundred pounds, minus the fancy technology, plus Diedrich Bader. Why won't people just tune in?

9:10:16 - Upon releasing the first balloon, nobody can think of anything to say about Brook. The women never knew him, and Chris can't remember which one he was. Was he the mechanical bull operator? The FBI guy? Odds are he was a bartender of some sort. They mutter something under their breaths about him mixing a mean appletini and set his balloon free.

9:33:12 - Having eaten up as much perfectly good prime time network airtime as possible, the final three return to their camp to find a pile of fifteen sea turtle carcasses, each having washed ashore after choking on a rubber balloon with a Survivor contestant's name stenciled on it in islandy writing.

9:35:40 - And it's time for the final immunity challenge! This time, all three must rest on a rock on their left knee while holding onto a nearby hanging vine. Every ten minutes Probst will tell them to switch knees. The last one standing wins immunity.

9:38:00 - The first ten minutes have passed, and Probst instructs them to kneel on their right knee. The instant Scout's knee touches the rock, she winces in pain, makes a sound like a wounded marmot, and falls off the rock into the sand, amid much mewling and cussing.

9:44:40 - Nine more hours have elapsed. Twila starts making ad hominem attacks upon Chris.

9:45:50 - Another ten hours have gone by. Probst is weak, hungry, and cranky. He begins flinging his own feces at the contestants.

9:47:09 - Another thirty-six hours. Chris swears on Twila's son that he'll vote for Scout if she lets him win. Twila weeps softly while her knees bleed. Probst has smeared pig's blood all over his face and bare chest, and is running around the challenge area with his shoes on his ears screaming "I am the Prussian Chancellor! I demand an audience with Max Planck!"

9:50:00 - Two more weeks have gone by. If the immunity challenge doesn't wrap up soon, the contestants will miss their flight back to New York for the reunion special. Burnett strides in and hands Twila a check for $47.50 and a coupon for a free side at Arby's with any medium beverage, and she gets off her rock. "I swear on my son's life, I love those Jalapeño Bites with Bronco Berry Sauce!" she exclaims, her body racked with sobs. Chris projectile vomits.

9:50:20 - Short on time, the contestants are rushed to Tribal Council. In the slow, melodramatic pan across the assembled voters, we see Scout, then Twila, then Chris. Then Rupert Boneham. He's snuck onto the Tribal Council set in a defiant bid to win yet another Survivor that he hasn't won. He is forcibly removed.

9:51:14 - Chris votes for Scout, and her torch is snuffed.

9:53:45 - Still short on time, the final Tribal Council with the jury begins. In order to save time, Chris and Twila's opening remarks are confined to the relative merits of highway construction vs. highway repair. They begin yelling at the top of their lungs.

9:55:17 - Emotions continue to run high in the opening statements. Chris and Twila fall to the ground, clawing at each other's eyes. Scout, Ami, Chad, and Rupert roll their eyes.

9:56:00 - Lea asks the first question: "If you had to eat Pringles chips dipped in a molten, precious metal, which would it be and why?" Chris answers platinum, for strength. Twila misunderstands and says topaz.

9:57:14 - Chad asks the next question: "Would either of you like to star in my upcoming made-for-TV movie, The One-Legged Cancer Survivor Who Went on the Reality TV Show and Was Pretty Ineffective, But Still This Should Create a Pretty Big Emotional Draw for Sweeps Week? We've still got parts for the sheriff and Mime With Balloon Animal #7." Both contestants decline, stating previous commitments. Chris is in the running to host The Late Late Show and Twila has a new CD dropping in March.

9:58:00 - Leann asks her question: "What the FUCK?! I thought we had a deal!" Twila blames Chris. Chris blames Twila. Eliza rolls her eyes.

9:58:47 - Ami asks her question: "Do either of you think that you deserve to win this game more than anyone else, say, me?"

9:59:16 - Not satisfied with the response she gets, Ami asks a follow-up: "Would you agree or disagree that all's fair on Survivor because it's a strategy game that's based on alliances and deception and anything goes, anything at all, except saying 'I swear on my son'?" Chris and Twila are divided on this one.

10:01:12 - Julie asks: "Will either of you swear on Twila's son that my ass looks damn fine?" Both do.

10:02:41 - Sarah Degenhart asks a question about abortion, with a sweet and pleading look in her eyes.

10:03:17 - Chris sputters and attempts to defend his record as though he has anything to be ashamed of, although really all he should say is that every human life has value, but life does not begin at conception and it's unfair to pretend that it does because we have a population problem in this country and a rape problem in this country and he respects that she would not want him to tell her what to do with her body and so he cannot support legislation that tells other women what to do with theirs, especially in cases where their lives may be in danger.

10:04:15 - Twila pretends that this is a black and white issue like everything else, and attempts to cast Chris as a liar for trying to be sincere and explaining his beliefs.

10:05:22 - Everybody votes.

The Reunion Special

10:06:51 - Twila instantaneously gains ten pounds and gets a perm. Chris instantaneously loses his facial hair and gets sleeves for his shirt.

10:07:19 - Probst reads the votes. Four for Chris and three for Twila. Lea and Chad vote for Chris because he's a man and men vote for men which is why Hillary will never be president. Julie votes for Chris because she thinks of him as a brother, even a brother who betrayed her. Eliza votes for Chris because she hates Twila like poison, and also Chris helped her stay on the island longer than she would've. Ami and Leann vote for Twila because they feel like Chris masterminded their elimination, although they certainly did a lot to help him. Scout votes for Twila because, come on.

10:08:15 - The lights come up. Probst introduces the entire cast in a haughty, jocular manner.

10:08:23 - I blow my brains out.

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