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20,000 Leagues Later...—11:58 AM

As we approach Super Bowl Sunday (or, as I call it, Superb Owl Sunday), I have just one question for the universe: why the fuck do we still have the "chains" (which are actually cables these days) to measure whether a first down has been achieved?

I understand why it makes sense to place the little neon doormat on the sidelines: until the RoboCop/Minority Report future when the amazing yellow first-down line from our TV can be in the players' helmets and/or eyeballs, they need a visual reference on the field. Of course. And I suppose it makes sense to keep that Dial-A-Down sign there, in case anyone forgets.

But why run out with this 10-yard length of cable to measure potential first downs? Can't we trust the guy who painted the lines on the field? (If not, that's something we should work out first.) Can't we admit that the particular inch where the ball has been spotted is fairly arbitrary (and was for the previous first down as well) so measuring to the inch is exceedingly precise? If they spotted it about halfway between the 36-yard line and the 37-yard line last time, and at the end of the play, the ball is spotted at least halfway between the 46-yard line and the 47, just call it a god damn first down and get on with it. There's no need for all this pageantry around a result that is nowhere near as exact as it's meant to seem.

7 Comments (Add your comments)

Joe MulderFri, 2/1/08 8:59pm

If they spotted it about halfway between the 36-yard line and the 37-yard line last time, and at the end of the play...

God bless you, sir, for not calling it the "37-and-a-half yard line." I'm about ready to give up on that one, since it's usage is essentially universal and I seem to be the only person on the planet who's bothered by it (let alone who even notices it), but... there's no "yard line" 36 1/2 yards away from the end zone! It's called the "36 yard line" because there's actually a LINE on the field to mark the YARDAGE! There's no such thing as a "36-and-a-half yard line!"

And don't even get me started on the "three inch line" and such, when the ball is positioned at the precipice of the goal.

Great. It's Friday evening, Super Bowl weekend, and now I'm mad.

Bee BoyFri, 2/1/08 9:45pm

You say "bless you" as though it's some coincidence... I foster the same outsized hatred for "half yard line" and "inch line" – because I got it from you. And it's great because when I bring it up in front of my sister's boyfriend, who knows football and actually played football, I sound almost like I'm marginally informed. (He hates it, too. There's at least three of us – yay!)

What's more, you're the footballiest guy I know, and you have no rebuttal for my rant against the "chains." Could this mean I'm actually not wrong about that?

BrandonFri, 2/1/08 11:22pm

you're the footballiest guy I know

I agree, and am totally going to steal this and drop it into conversation with Joe on Sunday.

"KOTC"Sat, 2/2/08 9:49pm

I also agree. The arbitrary spot is maddening (should that be John Maddening?). Even the sci-fi called instant replay is flawed... camera angles, depth of field, frame speed, etc. grrrrr.

Bee BoySun, 2/3/08 12:21am

I once had an entrepreneurial idea for a company that would bring a truck filled with high-end video equipment and effects computers to the stadium and process live video so that when an official review was requested, we could secretly doctor the footage and quickly send back video with the football moved a few inches, or whatever. I was always mostly kidding about this, but it's beginning to sound like Belichick would've bought in.

Joe MulderSun, 2/3/08 10:27am

What's more, you're the footballiest guy I know, and you have no rebuttal for my rant against the "chains." Could this mean I'm actually not wrong about that?

You're not wrong, and I most certainly have no rebuttal, but, for reasons that probably defy explanation, I find the "chains" somewhat endearing. There's something adorably quixotic about the most popular sport in the most substantial nation on earth using all of this incredible technology in so many phases of broadcasting and officiating its games, while at the same time measuring the most fundamental unit of success in the game (the first down) by having an official spot the ball in a way that is imprecise at best, and then having some unemployable parolee with a length of cord run out onto the field to check his work for him.

So, for whatever reason, I find it more amusing than maddening.

Bee BoySun, 2/3/08 6:08pm

some unemployable parolee with a length of cord

I love it! If this had been the basis for the Cuba Gooding, Jr. character in Radio, I probably would have seen that movie.

(Actually, still no.)

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