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The Power of Nothing

say it all without saying anything

In case you've spent less than twelve seconds with me in the last year and a half and thereby missed my proud announcement, I'm a TiVo subscriber. TiVo revolutionizes the way you watch television. (Don't believe me? Buy one; you'll see.) But it turns out it has important benefits beyond just pausing live TV and recording anything you want. You can learn a lot from TiVo's synopses.

As a result of using TiVo I see episode summaries more often than I would otherwise, because when you select a show to record or when you pick a recording to view, it displays a line or two of synopsis on your screen along with the title. You'd think that there would be one set of TV synopses, and everyone would just draw from that, but it turns out that's not always the case. TiVo and I subscribe to DirecTV, and they have their own set of synopses that are not the same as TV Guide or Yahoo! TV or the cable service. I don't know why, and I don't know who writes them, but there they are.

The thing is, I've learned a lot more from these synopses than just which episode of The Simpsons is on. TiVo's synopses are powerful instructors in the art of ambiguity. Let's face it, in today's culture it is important to be able to speak without saying anything. You don't want to commit to a particular prediction or phraseology, lest you be politically incorrect or just all around wrong. You want to make your point without taking a stand.

Here's where TiVo steps in. On talk shows, the synopsis is generally just a list of the episode's guests. "Alec Baldwin, musician Cat Power," it might say. On last week's Michael Essany Show TiVo summarized it this way: "Entertainer Joey McIntyre." That's ambiguity!

See, McIntyre was in the New Kids On The Block in the '80s and '90s, but the synopsis wisely sidesteps the tempting assumption that this equates "singer." He's on some TV show now, but again, the synopsis reserves judgment on "actor." "Entertainer." Just vague enough. (Hell, even that is a stretch.)

But, this is child's play. Anyone can be vague about a person. It takes real accomplishment to be vague about everything.

Take my favorite example. The animated program Care Bears follows the adventures of the lovable ursine balls of fluff we all adored as kids. TiVo sums it up thusly: "Colorful bears interact with the world." Can you get any better than that? Nobody can argue that the Care Bears aren't colorful. And no matter what the plot of any given episode, you can be damn sure it involves interacting with the world! Baking cookies? Interacting with the world. Saving Christmas? Interacting with the world. As long as one Care Bear moves one muscle, s/he is technically interacting with the world. Bam!

So, next time your boss asks where you were over that extended lunch break, don't hesitate and try to come up with some flimsy lie. Just state proudly "Why, I was interacting. Interacting with the world!" Sure, you were just returning overdue porn videos, but technically that's interacting with the world!

onebee