Tue, April 22, 2008

Suddenly the favorites are dropping like flies! Is this simply a matter of new players resenting those who've scored a second chance at the million dollars? Perhaps it is, because the last two favorites to get the boot have suffered the most humiliating, gut-wrenching defeats we've seen in some time.

Poor Eliza. Her gaunt little face, all dusted with soot. Her fingertips, worked raw and frozen to the bone. Her tawdry basket of flowers. I never liked Eliza that much but my heart goes out to her after her final episode. How she suffers!

I. Penner

Did Eliza ever have a chance in this game? She's bright and she understands strategy, so that's a plus. She's very capable at puzzles, which is good for some game-saving challenge performance and possibly an individual immunity if things time out right. But she has a tendency to rub people the wrong way (witness Parvati, who's been physically repulsed by Eliza from the very beginning for basically no reason). Like Cirie, she doesn't make fast friends with her fellow competitors; unlike Cirie, she doesn't hide it well, nor does she play along during those moments when she must appear affable and approachable. Without a base of loyal support, Eliza has been adrift in this game's near-instantaneous development of surprisingly resilient alliances. To have any chance of winning, she'd need to band with fellow outsiders and take down the people who play the game in tight-knit, till-the-end alliances. She'd need Jonathan Penner.

In a game with people like Ozzy – who's scrappy, devious, and talented at winning immunity – it's unlikely Penner and Eliza would have made the final two or three or whatever number it will be this time. But I think Penner's strategy and stewardship might have gotten them a little further past the merge if medical circumstances hadn't forced him to leave the game early. And, when the votes finally did align for his downfall, I think they'd have targeted him, as ringleader, before Eliza. Which would have given her a little more time to scrape together a strategy and save her neck. Not much, of course, but a chance. She's possibly the only person other than Penner whose chances at a million dollars were completely eradicated by his medical evacuation.

II. Fans vs. Faves

I suppose it was inevitable that the fans and the favorites would naturally gravitate toward alliances along that division. The favorites seem to believe they alone deserve Survivor glory. It's as if they think they invented the game, rather than merely playing it a few seasons earlier than these other people. The fans are not usurping naïfs, hoping to unseat the proven masters. They, like the favorites, are people who have never won Survivor. Having played the game before may come with advantages and disadvantages, but neither group is inherently more deserving of the prize.

But separate they have. And that removes a key strategic option for Eliza, who is inexplicably the bottom person on the favorites' list from the moment Jonny Fairplay leaves the island. From the very start, Parvati has harbored a seething and unexplained vendetta against Eliza, believing that Eliza is a relentless and unabashed conniver who keeps Parvati in her sights at all times. Anyone who's playing the game is conniving to some extent, but otherwise I've seen nothing to support Parvati's hostility. I was going to say Cirie has it in for Eliza, too, but basically Cirie has it in for anyone she perceives as unpopular – anyone who may be a possible vote, thus sparing Cirie for another three useless days in the game. I've been dying to like Cirie more this time around (and "little Ozzlets" went a long way), but she comes across just as lazy, whiny, and opportunistic as ever. It's a style of play that undeniably works for her, but it's a style that gets under my skin and stays there. I can't stand her.

In a normal game, Eliza could shrug off this enmity and bond with someone else. At some point, the numbers would be in the right place for her, and her fellow outcasts, to get the drop on the other alliance. But this fans vs. favorites thing has removed most of the remaining players from her grasp, so Eliza's only option is to cling desperately to pretty much any wild idea that might save her neck.

III. Jason

There's something to be said for her attempt to create an alliance with Jason. He's a fellow outsider; they share the same isolating social awkwardness, even though Jason isn't seen as a schemer like Eliza is. The problem is, he's so far away from scheming, he barely understands the way the game is played. As a result of his confusion, gullibility, and extremely poor strategy, Eliza ends up on an emotional roller coaster pretty much from the moment she starts talking to him.

At first, she thinks she's got it made because Ami from the other team will surely side with Jason and herself, plus Jason reveals he's got the mini idol! People always love it when someone they're allied with has the mini idol, though I'm not sure it's much of a plus, strategically. (Amanda was thrilled when Ozzy told her he had the real one, also.) Within hours, though, Eliza learns that Ami's already gone. But, all is well, because Jason insanely offers to grant Eliza his mini idol if he wins individual immunity – apparently believing that he'll never have another Tribal Council where he might need it. Eliza watches, thrilled, as Jason outlasts Ozzy at the drowning challenge. She's saved!

But then she starts losing her mind. Where is the idol? Why can't she have it now? Is Jason reconsidering? No, he says; he just hid it somewhere. (As he said to the camera at the time, "I hope I don't forget where I put it!" Considering it's just one stick among a jungle full of them, this is both more and less dangerous than he realizes.) At last, he retrieves the idol, then leaves her to unwrap it, at which point Eliza's tortuous adventure reaches its nadir: it is obviously nothing more than a stupid stick. This is clear to her immediately, as it should have been to Jason, but it still takes her a minute to convince him. (That glorious exchange from last week's scenes: "That can't be the idol!" "Why not?" "'Cause it's just a stick!") His response: "Bummer." So much for that alliance.

Yet, a couple of further indignities await her. Somehow she convinces herself that it's worth it to play the stick as though it's the mini idol, just in case. But first, she must sit through a TribCon discussion among all her teammates about just how unlikable she is. At some point, realizing it's her only shot, she argues the same thing: she's so universally hated, wouldn't she be great to take to the final two/three/whatever? Of course the jury won't vote for her! She plays the idol – doesn't even say, "Jeff, I really doubt this is it, but what the hey..." – and Probst casually lobs it into the TribCon fire. I don't like her. I don't even care if she goes. But this is just painful to watch. James and Ozzy are giggling their heads off.

If not for Jason's monumental stupidity and the promise of a fake immunity idol, perhaps Eliza would have continued her search for strategic options, rather than lashing herself to a guy with a stick with a little face carved into it. Her options aren't many, but anything would have been better than this.

IV. Sub-Alliances

As usual, the merge is a rocky time. Alliances are re-uniting, others are dissolving; everything is in flux. Amanda and Ozzy begin drifting apart, based on Ozzy's sudden coziness with Alexis, and Amanda's inability to put her emotions aside even though she claimed from the start she was only snuggling with Ozzy as a strategic move. (Maybe she's become romantically attached to the strategic move. It happens; finding a new strategic move is a pain.) At the same time, Parvati, who claimed on day one that she would be doing "more than flirting" in this game, has become the island's alliance whore – she's hooked up with three separate and overlapping alliances, and she's even made promises on behalf of Amanda. It's this last part that may be her undoing, since this alliance would put Amanda alongside Alexis, who has become her sworn enemy since Ozzy started snuggling with her. (Ozzy apparently proves that old adage, "Show me an unbelievably hot woman and I'll show you a guy who's tired of fucking her.")

So things seem to be lining up against Parvati, possibly against Alexis, maybe even against Ozzy, who has to be the biggest threat remaining and growing more so as the numbers dwindle. But, things are so unsteady, nobody wants to make any sudden movements. And Eliza is so universally hated, it's just too easy to get rid of her. I've never really disliked her that much, but seeing her through their eyes, particularly during her desperate and sadly pathetic final throes of strategy, I certainly understand the need to be rid of her. (God bless her, it isn't her fault. She's going through absolute hell. But still... who wants to watch that?)

So, off she goes. Off to inaugurate the jury, where she'll be the subject of many, many insert shots. As Probst says, "you can't miss [her] eyes when they roll." It's true; they're like two bowling balls. I'm surprised the tides aren't affected by their movement.

And now, poor Ozzy. Admittedly, it's hard to feel as sorry for him, because he's the game's most dominant player and therefore he's always due to be eliminated. (I should say that at least one person has an easier time feeling sorry for Ozzy, and that is Ozzy. He's petulant and vindictive in his "Final Words," saying that he "hates" whoever voted for him from his own alliance – presumably Parvati. As though he had no plans to eventually vote for her! "Screw you," he says, as though he hasn't just passed up an opportunity to save his own ass with the mini idol, preferring to hoard it until later to use against someone from his own alliance! Because, according to his code, everyone outside his alliance will go before anyone inside his alliance will. So, he wouldn't even need the mini idol until it was time to start fucking over his friends. Which, distasteful though it may be, must occur in every game of Survivor. Someone has to win. And, if that someone is going to be a person who is not the dominant player, that treachery is going to have to come earlier, when there are still numbers around to be swayed. What a whiny fucking hypocrite. I'm glad he's gone.)

So, what happened to Ozzy?

I. Jason

Jesus, is this kid actually in a position to win this thing? (Answer: no. He will be the next to go. Everyone hates him; last week he had immunity and this week they needed to use him as bait.) Somehow he's managed to be a stooge and a player at the same time. It's somewhat impressive, but it's unlikely it can last. He's somehow managed to outlast Ozzy in two successive endurance challenges, and he shares Ozzy's predilection for self-promotion ("Ozzy's not the only godlike competitor who can play this game!") but he can't back it up because no one likes him and he has no strategy whatsoever.

Nevertheless, he somewhat unwittingly helps reveal Ozzy's mini idol to the three or four people who don't already know he has it, and then he provides a convenient bait-and-switch target to help those people oust Ozzy without Ozzy getting wise and playing the mini idol. He's outlived his usefulness, so he'll be gone soon, but in the meantime he's managed to be pretty instrumental in removing Ozzy, for which everyone else should be fairly grateful. And they would be, if they didn't hate him so much.

II. Sub-Alliances

Ozzy starts off with the very worst sub-alliance problem: he's been necking with Amanda from the beginning, which has made it fairly easy for Parvati and James to figure out where they stand within his alliance of four. He further exacerbates that by snuggling with Alexis, which causes Amanda to question her own position. So, when Cirie – who is always ready for someone else to do the dirty work of eliminating one of her chief competitors – proposes that people blindside Ozzy, there are people around to listen. He acts as though it's expected that everyone from his alliance will be loyal to the end, but that's not possible – it never is. Everyone wants to win, and the prize only goes to one person. (Not counting AmbeRob.)

Every alliance will have sub-alliances, inevitably. The key is either not to make them public, be in more than one of them, or be constantly prepared to prevail over any other combination of your people. Ozzy fails at all these, and – with the mini idol – he's got no excuse to fail at the third and most critical one.

III. Hubris

Ozzy exemplifies Survivor Hubris. He believes he is a god at this game, and that everyone else is either there to challenge him and fail, or just watch him be awesome. (Admittedly, Probst is there just to watch Ozzy be awesome.) Ozzy's take on Jason? "Jason is a big fan of mine, but he probably thinks he can do it all better. And he probably wants to prove himself to me, or to the world." What a self-involved asshole! And the sickest thing is, it's probably all true. (People love to go on reality shows to prove things to the world that the world could care less about. Charla tried it twice.) It makes me miss Jonathan Penner so bad. Can't you imagine him having to sit at home and watch shit like this? It must kill him!

Ozzy simply believes he'll never lose – and if that's the case, why not throw the mini idol back? He won't need it! You can tell his cockiness has gone to his head from his behavior at the immunity challenge. It's one of those endurance challenges, in this case the one where you hold one arm over your head for as long as you can, and the last one standing wins. (How are these ladies getting access to razors? The Lady Gillette Fairy? Depilatory gnomes? Whoever you are, God bless you!) Ozzy is delirious with pride, because he quits the challenge early for nothing but a plate of doughnuts. First, everyone knows the food temptations in the endurance challenges only get better, so of course you should hold out. Cirie and Erik bail right away and all they get is a bowl of candy to split! It's like trading a way a chance at a million dollars for the chance to visit Grandma's house. Don't touch the good furniture! But more importantly, Ozzy has just come from a feast at the reward challenge. What good are a few doughnuts at this point?

Then he keeps his mini idol hidden after he's already acknowledged that this would be the perfect time for someone to take him out, and he's felt a little suspicious around camp. Yes, he'd look like an idiot if he played it and didn't need to, but I think he looks more like an idiot for not playing it when he needs to. Shouldn't he have noticed the cameraman giggling when he gave his speech about his gut feeling that something might be afoot?

At least he should be able to recognize irony when it looms. Ozzy and the others convince Jason to give up the immunity challenge, let Parvati win, and accept Probst's bribe of pizza, beer, and snacks, so they can all share the treats. Everyone swears they won't vote for him at Tribal Council. (In so doing, Alexis and Cirie cross their fingers behind their backs, which is despicably childish. They are playing to the camera and it sickens me. Obviously this is a game of lies. If you're going to lie, just lie. Neither woman is taking some sort of sworn oath, the sort where she might feel her mortal soul is in jeopardy if she fibs without crossing her fingers for protection. Both keep their fingers crossed throughout the conversation, as though begging the cameramen to take notice and film it for later. Get. The fuck. Over yourselves.) It works, though, and Jason steps down, believing he won't be sent home at TribCon and believing he's won the respect and admiration of his new friends because he shared food with them that they didn't earn. Moments later, Ozzy, James, and Amanda gather in the cave. "Jason is so stupid to trust us!" Ozzy cackles. "He'll never see this coming!" Ozzy, that booming hum you hear? That shadow that stretches out before you? That is looming irony. Ignore it at your own peril.

IV. Those Fucking Editors

Ozzy, like all of us, is swindled by the editors. They totally show us this plot to pretend-vote for Jason but really vote for Ozzy! Would you play your mini idol in that situation? When has the most televised part of the pre-TribCon strategy ever come true? If people are shown buzzing around the idea of maybe voting Ozzy and maybe voting Jason, then at least this much is clear: it won't be Ozzy and it won't be Jason. Maybe it'll be Alexis. Or Eliza, again. God damn those editors. Just when you think you've got their black hearts figured out.

Bonus Tangential Rant

The reward challenge is one of those ridiculous "team" rewards that have been shoe-horned into the "individual" portion of the game lately. First it was individual rewards. Then people started bringing food back from those, so Burnett started allowing individuals to share the reward with one or two friends. Now lately, it's been randomly selected impromptu teams who compete for a reward, enjoy it, then immediately disband. Fucking ridiculous – and that's not even the rant.

The victorious "team" – Amanda, Ozzy, Erik, and Jason – win the opportunity to fly to a nearby island nation and enjoy a feast and celebration with the island natives. When they arrive, they notice that the native women are traditionally topless. They wear woven necklaces, but no cloth covering and certainly no CBS branded Survivor buff. Erik freaks out, because he is a bumpkin and that's what they do. To my great horror, CBS pixelizes the breasts.

Understand this: I'm not clamoring to see the bare breasts of tribal island women. I'm in favor of boobs on TV and everywhere, but that's not what this fight is about. This fight is about cultural sensitivity. You traipse into a remote island nation with your stupid reality show, dig latrines in their jungles, build balance beams all the hell over creation, zip motorboats and helicopters in and out, and then you have the gall to disrespect their way of life? To imply that there is something prurient about this culture's decision not to put shirts on its women? How about a little respect for context?

If Bono's "fucking brilliant" can get by – with the understanding that "fucking" does not, in this context, refer to copulation, and therefore does not endanger young lives by admitting the existence of such an act – then what's wrong with the exposed breasts of island natives, which obviously are not exposed for any sort of sexual thrill? It's not just stupid and silly to pixelize them, it's downright disrespectful. These women are not flaunting themselves; they barely appear in the distance in three shots. They are not doing anything lewd. They are just expressing the standards in their culture for what remains covered and what does not. Covering their bodies "on their behalf" is like saying they're too stupid to be ashamed. It's like shooting footage in Saudi Arabia, and digitally removing the burqas. No less absurd, no less shameful. Maybe we need to be protected from the idea of sexuality in prime time (and don't get me started on the innuendo and sideboob festival that is Two and a Half Men!) but that doesn't necessitate protection from other cultures. CBS should be ashamed. Burnett and Moonves owe these women an apology. I demand satisfaction!

(This will not be on the midterm.)

Study Questions

1. Erik hoodwinks the merged contestants into naming their new team "Dabu" by asserting it's Micronesian for "good." What does it really mean in Micronesian?

   a. "That's not as funny as you think it is."

   b. "White Satan carrying DV camera."

   c. "Vote out the swing vote!"

   d. "Sexy challenge bottoms."

   e. "Dabu."

2. Cirie, in her favorite mode (matronly, condescending) explains to a lovelorn Amanda that Ozzy is playing the game. Amanda says, "I'm playing too," but she obviously isn't. Men on Survivor are always more ready than the women to make a strategic move that may hurt their romantic partner. Why is this?

   a. Men are fundamentally different from women.

   b. These particular women are stupid bimbos.

3. Rank this week's metaphorical animals in order from most to least foreboding:

   The Sea Snake of Workhorse Martyrdom Actually Being Preferable to Bitchy, Ungrateful Napping

   The Bats of Betel Nut Barfing

   The Komodo-Type Lizard of Reward Jealousy and Subsequent Alliance Fracturing

   The Crab of Preposterously Poor Immunity Challenge Strategy

   The Crab of Lying to a Guy While Ignoring the Possibility That You Might Be Lied To (separate crab)

   The Spider of Extremely Convenient Metaphorical Animal Placement

4. Amanda quits the endurance challenge early for a pee break. Would you pee on yourself for a chance at a million dollars? If not, please explain in 500 words or less how that is any more humiliating than anything else in this game.

5. How much would you pay for the raw footage from the jury camera in this week's Tribal Council, 45 uninterrupted minutes of Eliza flailing and emoting like a silent film star in response to every single thing that happens?

6. Probst tells Alexis she "can mope and be mad," after she glowers at him for denying her treats during the immunity challenge based on a technicality. Is this the hate-bot from previous seasons, or has Burnett ponied up for a new and more fiendish hate-bot?

Viewing for Next Week

"Killerball", in which paraplegic men compete in ruthless games of wheelchair-based rugby– wait, sorry. That's Oscar hopeful Murderball. "Killerball" is the one with Sean Connery in the swimming pool with sharks– nope, that's Thunderball. This is just another dipshit episode of Survivor, and this time Parvati and James are fighting because she's a ruthless, self-centered bitch and he's had enough. Then, she aligns the other women to vote against him, leaving my Survivor Hottie Postulate in tatters. I make no guarantees about the timeliness of the resulting Survivor lecture.

© onebee · all rights reserved