Tue, April 29, 2008

During the early going, all the metaphorical animals get their shot. You've got Manta Rays of Accidentally Insulting Someone You Just Met, plenty of Gulls of Speculative Strategy, and of course the Whale of Inadequate Shelter Infrastructure. But once we hit the merge and things heat up, all those guys can take a powder. Now it's time for the Sea Snake of Treachery and the Spider of Smug Scheming to camp in front of a camera lens and take turns dramatically punctuating whispered conversations between dirty, skinny people about who they will collectively ostracize and for which wholly fabricated reason. This time around, there's a new face on the metaphorical circuit, and he's coming strong. One of Survivor's nature b-roll cameramen just won himself a free lifetime supply of Burnett's private label Shiraz, because he captured actual footage of the Cockatoo of Conspicuous Strategic Switcheroos biting the head off the still-living Lizard of Survivor Contestant Tolerability – savagely chomping it in half like a tofu bat in the hands of a vegan Black Sabbath cover band.

One thing is for certain: I seriously doubt that Lizard of Survivor Contestant Tolerability can ever be made whole again. I had to bite down on a stick just to make it through the second half of this episode – I shudder to think what measures will be necessary to watch the last couple of episodes if Parvati, Natalie, Alexis, and Cirie are still around. Whatever it is, it will make that Clockwork Orange setup look like an afternoon on a paddle-boat.

I. Girls vs. Boys

Faced with a choice between her Women's Alliance and her Favorites' Alliance, Parvati chooses the ladies. Hard to argue with that, because it gets rid of Ozzy at a necessary juncture. In order for anyone else to have a chance, he has to go, and it's easier to do it early while the numbers are still large enough to be manipulated. The unfortunate result is that she is now in an alliance with Natalie, Alexis, Cirie, and Amanda. And they are insufferable. I want to make it clear, I'm not generalizing about women being stupid, flighty, ditzy, or obnoxious. It's just that these particular women happen to be monumentally stupid, flighty, and ditzy. And ruthlessly obnoxious.

One problem I have with people on this show (and this week, the people on this show who do it happen to be these women) is when something happens, the strategic outcome of which is entirely up to chance. And then they seize upon it and act like they absolutely saw it coming and totally planned for whatever outcome they randomly got. When Natalie is forced to choose someone to return to Exile Island and hunt for yet another mini idol there, she picks Jason because nobody likes him. Later, she realizes this almost certainly gives him the mini idol, but she and Parvati quickly decide the best place for the mini idol is in Jason's hands after all! Hooray for Natalie's quick thinking! Now the women are spared the hassle of having the mini idol and a huge advantage in the game. Instead, they know Jason has it, and they must only face the trifling matter of talking him out of it or concocting some other byzantine plan to neutralize it. This plan consists of sidling up to Jason, convincing him to throw the individual immunity challenge, and then hoodwinking him exactly like everyone did to Ozzy a couple of days earlier – catching him off guard so he won't deploy the mini idol, he and it will just be out of the game.

This plan depends on Jason being able to lose the immunity challenge in such a way that James doesn't win it. (They want to split their vote for Jason and James in case Jason plays the mini idol.) This is not completely pivotal to the plan – they could vote for Erik if James won immunity – but they really don't want to vote for Erik because it's his birthday. That's very nice and all, but if you made a list of all-time Survivor Alliance Reasons for Doing Things and gave it to any random stranger, I bet he could connect this one to the alliance of women. Their plan also depends on Jason being stupid enough to throw immunity in the first place – they're sunk if he thinks, "Hey, if they all want to vote for James, why does it matter whether I have immunity?" But this is not a variable; Jason is undeniably that stupid.

So it's an okay plan, although it's hardly brilliant. (They call it "brilliant," when they're not calling it "genius.") It's not their only option, since they could vote for Erik or even delay Jason's elimination for a few days if absolutely necessary. But, to these women, it's the most brilliant plan ever, and it's their only hope. Thus, they're all suddenly invested in James losing the immunity challenge, and lock arms like college basketball players as they watch from the sidelines. This is exactly as unnecessary as the finger-crossing last week, and ten times more conspicuous. They twitter and giggle, cheering Erik on against James as the immunity challenge enters its final round. Then, after Erik wins, they giggle and squeal and jump up and down about how everything is going perfectly according to their plan. They can't stop talking about it amongst themselves, repeating the details of the plan and giggling, and miming the stirring of cauldrons as though they're the crafty witches from Macbeth. I'm loath to generalize because two of my very favorite women read this column, but having grown up around gaggles of young girls, I believe I recognize this behavior. It is the practice of constantly testing and reaffirming one's position in the group. ("Is this still the plan?" "Am I still in on it?" "It's still Jason, right?" "We're so much smarter than him!") These women aren't as close as they pretend to be. We know Amanda hates Parvati and can't wait to slit her throat. Natalie is an all-out psychopath; God knows what she'll do next. Cirie barely identifies with any of them. But by giggling and hugging and jumping up and down, they reinforce the bond they've made – salving their insecurities about the uncertain world of alliance-peddling. The fact that it's conspicuous and gratingly annoying is just a side effect.

II. Natalie

Possibly the most alarming fallout from the women's alliance is that Natalie, feeling secure in the game for the first time, is empowered "to be more of [her]self," as she puts it. Apparently, Natalie's self is arrogant, smug, and dangerously inarticulate, but never tires of the sound of her own voice. I liked it better when she lurked silently but hotly from the background.

Now we see her in at least three separate yet identical interviews, talking about what a "stone cold bitch" she is (her words) and how Jason is entirely in thrall to her. She stops short of twisting her moustache or doing "fly hands," but only just. She won't stop talking about herself – where formerly she was quiet and withdrawn, now she comes off like a Flavor of Love contestant, swearing and calling everyone "bitch" and talking trash about her control of the game and her cutthroat intensity and how she gleefully she revels in all of it. Whatever, ho.

As usual, I blame the editors for this whiplash-inducing change of character. I certainly blame them for subjecting me to quite so much of it. I think one brief soundbite about how awful she is would have been more than enough.

III. Parvati

Does she somehow qualify as still being below the radar? I hesitate to say she's controlling the game right now, because I can't give her that much credit, but to say the least she's calling a lot of shots. Amanda is wary of her, and James probably is by now, but it doesn't seem like people have clued into the dominance she's carved out for herself. She's building quite a jury of Parvati-haters, though, so maybe people will take her to the final three or four or whatever, to make themselves look better.

My favorite part is that she doesn't give up on her flirtation with James. I suppose it makes sense – might as well try to keep up appearances, even though it's clear her intentions are to vote him out and stick with the ladies. But he's not having it, and it makes for my favorite exchange on Survivor all year. Possibly my favorite exchange since, "Jonathan, getting annoyed by me!"

Parvati approaches James with a coy little smile which tries to say, "Tee hee, isn't it funny how things turn out?" She bats her eyes and explains that she needed Ozzy out, she's angling for an all-female final three, and she's sorry she couldn't tell James sooner but she didn't want to risk Ozzy getting tipped off and playing his mini idol.

The beautiful thing is that James laughs the whole thing off. Her strategic move (which he actually respects), as well as her cute "apology" which is utterly insincere. "You don't mean 'sorry,'" he tells her. "You mean 'ha-ha.'" He says this with a wide, placid smile. He's not angry; it's how the game is played. But he's galled a bit that she's trying to pretend it can still be okay – that her cuteness will get her out of trouble. (Sorry, baby; that only works for Colleen.)

"Hopefully you make it," he says, betraying no ill will. But that doesn't obligate him to make it easier on her. When she says she doesn't want it to be awkward, he grins. "Oh, it's gonna be awkward." As well it should be. He has to play his own strategy now, just like anyone else; why should he make things easier on her?

And here's the fantastic capper: she can't handle it. She needs him to beg her for a spot in her alliance, or forgive her and give her a big silly hug like it's not a big deal, or even lash out at her so she feels like he cares and now he feels betrayed. (If she wanted that, she should've kept Ozzy around.) When he won't do any of these things, her only defense is to create that distance herself. In her mind, it only works if they're close or they're fighting. She can't make them close again, so she picks a fight. "You wouldn't give me credit for having a plan anyway," she slings at him, which is completely false. He just didn't think she needed one, because everyone had a good thing going until she was tempted by the promise of greater power. He calls her on it, and she stammers to a close. "Well, I just wanted to talk," she smiles cutely. "And you have," he flatly replies. And he flashes her that smile again. In an interview, he says she has revealed herself (I choose to believe this refers to her picking a fight) and he can't stand it.

God bless those heartless editors for leaving this intact. It's just lovely.

IV. James

Amanda is locked into Parvati's female alliance and scared shitless. Since the merge, she's been wary of Parvati's maneuvering, she doesn't like her, and she doesn't want to be in the alliance. However, she stays, because it seems like her best bet. Still, she's terrified. So she tells James the plan: everyone will tell Jason that James is the vote, in order to prevent Jason playing the mini idol. Then people will vote for Jason and send him home.

This is where I'm a little disappointed in James. Now he knows this. And the best way to derail the plan is for Jason to play the mini idol. Therefore, James should approach Jason and Erik and convince them to vote with him against Parvati. (It's in Amanda's interest to be rid of her, too; maybe she joins in.) The point is, here's how the vote goes down:

James: voted for by Alexis, Jason, and Natalie
Jason: Amanda, Cirie, Parvati, and Erik
Parvati: James

But here's how it should have gone:

James: Alexis and Natalie
Jason: Amanda, Cirie, and Parvati (he plays the mini idol)
Parvati: James, Jason, and Erik (she goes home)

James has nothing to lose with this. Jason has nothing to lose and everything to gain. Erik has nothing to lose – they must all sense that the women are taking advantage of the 5-3 numbers advantage. And surely they have an inkling of Parvati's power. It doesn't really matter, and it's nice to have Jason go, but I wish James had tried this idea. Poor bastard – if only he had the benefit of my full belly, restful sleep, and TiVo pause button.

V. The Jury

At some point, the jury will become pretty important – they collectively dole out the million dollar reward at the end of this slog – but for now, they have only one responsibility. They take an already unbearable Tribal Council interview segment, full of melodramatic speeches and preposterously coy answers, and they make it even worse with their overblown reactions to each thing anyone says. Ozzy enters with his middle finger raised to the remaining contestants, communicating the same basic message from last week's Final Words: "How dare you not let me win?" James, with little strategy left available to him, calls out Parvati for betraying the Favorites' Alliance and voting for Ozzy. This of course results in gestures and under-the-breath muttering from Ozzy. Seriously, what would Ozzy have done in her position, up against the most threatening contestant remaining in the game? I guess he can't conceive of that because he can't imagine anyone more dominant than himself. Fair enough, dude. Just don't dislocate a shoulder with all your angry reaction "takes."

Breast Pixelization Update

Upon returning from the reward "challenge" (food auction), Natalie stands with a few other contestants, talking. She's facing almost directly into the camera. The side of one breast protrudes from behind her tank top only the tiniest bit. CBS has pixelized it. I only bring this up because they showed significantly more sideboob from Bianca Kajlich on Rules of Engagement last week. And that was traditional sideboob! Everyone knows sideboob is most powerful from behind, in 3/4 view. It is virtually meaningless from the front. And yet: pixelized.

I can find plenty pictures of naked breasts; don't worry about me. That's not the point. I just feel it's my civic duty to note that the CBS pixelization guy has gone off the reservation. When he snaps and shoots up a schoolyard, I'll be prepared with full documentation of his descent into madness.

Study Questions

1. Amanda is understandably stunned by Parvati's move to eliminate Ozzy. "They're here to play this game," she says, as though anyone would bother showing up to not play. "Game on. Bring it on. Let's do this," she adds in a perfect storm of Survivor fuck-I'm-scared platitudes. How come every single person is ready to play the game, but nobody ever starts until it's demonstrated to them that someone else is really ready to play?

2. Moments later, Amanda has pretended to forgive Parvati (friends close, enemies closer, yadda yadda) and delivers this chestnut to the interview camera: "This is where the game gets interesting." Roughly estimated, what percentage of Survivor contestant interviews over the course of the entire game include this exact phrase? (Show your work.)

   a. 100%

   b. 99.9%

   c. 99%

   d. 110%

3. Although Jason has located two mini idol hiding spots with only a few minutes of searching, and effectively won two out of three individual immunity challenges, Parvati attributes all his success to luck because he's an awkward, unlikable moron. In fact, he's so lucky, she says, "if we had a lottery right now, he'd be winning." By how many points must the leader of a lottery win in order to claim the prize?

   For bonus points, if someone spends an entire lottery in second or third place, what's the best strategy to surge ahead and win the lottery in the final moments?

4. Say you have separate videotape of people plotting two successive giant Survivor blindsides. You also have graphic footage of one animal biting the head off another. With which guy's elimination would you match the decapitation clip?

   a. A guy named Jason

   b. A guy named Ozzy

5. Someone in the women's alliance invokes the well-known phrase, "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Under which definition of "scorned" is she operating?

   a. Trusted to honor her alliance.

   b. Never once voted against.

   c. Welcomed, unchallenged, into the final eight.

   d. Occasionally taken for granted.

6. When does Jason realize people don't actually like him that much?

   a. He is voted out of the game in a blindside move.

   b. He watches this episode on TV at home.

   c. The Survivor reunion show.

   d. Years from now, his fiancée takes her own life on the morning of their wedding day.

   e. Never.

Viewing for Next Week

"I'm Gonna Fix Her!" which – if my prayers are answered – is a reference to someone spaying Parvati. Also in this episode, surgery on James's hand (don't you fuckers dare medically evacuate another of my favorites), visits from home, and yet another mini idol. Jesus, Burnett! First of all, this absolutely defeats the purpose of the mini idol – if it's a renewable resource, who cares who finds it first? Secondly, here's Survivor Art Department Guy: "What, am I made of hidden immunity idols? You know what? Fuck it! I'm throwing the next one into a tree somewhere – you assholes can write your own goddamn clues. I've got puzzle pieces to paint and then strategically repaint so it doesn't look like we're reusing the same pieces."

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