Mon, May 12, 2008

In yet another Burnett mindfuck, Survivor: Micronesia comes down to a final two jury vote instead of a final three or final four or final π or whatever. This kind of unpredictable yet completely pivotal strategic immolation is exactly why I quit teaching this course two seasons ago, and now, in typical Survivor fashion, I have been fooled yet again. Well, not a third time, Burnett! I have accomplished relatively little in my life, but I can say with confidence that I am at least a little smarter than Erik the ice cream scooper.

But if Survivor episodes were comprised only of events that make sense and don't send me into a furious, food-spitting frenzy, none of us would likely be in this lecture hall today. We make do with what we have.

I. Eliza

Eliza is uniquely qualified to excel at the game of Survivor in absolutely every area except the part where you pretend to get along with people just enough that they don't hate your guts. She's a smart strategic thinker, a relatively hard worker, and a whiz at the sorts of puzzles that increasingly make up the challenges in the first three quarters of the game. But she can't play the oblivious ditz as well as most of the girls her age, so she comes off as an aloof schemer and the popular girls hate her. They get her in their sights and they take her down. She's the kind of person who can do well if she lucks into the numbers early, but otherwise there's no way she can dig herself out of a mess the way Cirie or Natalie might. Nobody will lend her an ear.

With that experience behind her, she levels a spot-on criticism at Parvati: she was mean to Eliza when it was not strategically necessary. This is something about Parvati that bothers me, although I should give Parvati a pass for mean or arrogant things she says in interviews, since this is just part of the show. (Still, fuck Parvati, I don't give her a pass.) Eliza's complaint about Amanda is that she's too "superficial," which – if true – means a very successful performance from Amanda, because I found her completely believable all the way through. I don't think she's been an angel – she played to win – but I can't recall her lying at Tribal Council or specifically betraying anyone. Even the ridiculous scheme that sent Erik home was actually carried out by Cirie and Natalie.

Given all this, and given the reactions of the first four jurors throughout Amanda's mini-idol blindside which sent Alexis home, I fully expect Eliza to vote for Amanda. Maybe it's a lesser-of-two-evils pick, but Parvati was awful to her from day one, and Amanda barely did anything. Astonishingly, after a long deliberation, Eliza votes for Parvati, which gives her the win.

II. Ozzy

There's something wrong with Ozzy. He played the game from a cutthroat strategic standpoint the entire way, doing anything to win because he knows no other way. As a strategic player, he should realize that any other strategic player would see him as the ultimate threat and eliminate him as soon as the numbers allowed for it. Instead, he's violently angry – he's one of those contestants who endorse betrayal at any cost, unless it's directed at them.

At the final Tribal Council, though, it's his friendship with Parvati that he mourns. What? He had a friendship with Parvati? Is that even possible? Can anyone be her friend? I think he's just saying this to have a reason for all his angry words, because he's a smarter strategic player than that. Only the idiots get worked up about friendship in a strategic game of betrayal like Survivor. After that, he confesses his love for Amanda – again, completely out of character. This may well land Amanda the million dollars. Jason's and Eliza's votes are essentially uncommitted – glurge like this might push them over the top.

He votes for Amanda, but doesn't feel enough confidence in it to propose to her before the final votes are read. Good thing, too.

III. Jason

If not for Erik, Jason would be the poster boy for why fans of Survivor have no business playing the game. I should rephrase that: fans of Survivor the show have no business playing the game. People who idolize other Survivor contestants or – for some reason – Coach Probst. Fans of the game would probably fare much better, because they could draw from considerable anecdotal evidence regarding the viability of different strategies and the tendencies of different contestant types. I'm not saying they'd have so much expertise they'd end up submitting overlong analyses of Survivor episodes onto an unsuspecting and disinterested Internet. But they'd bring a little something.

Anyway, Jason never really got his head into the game – I don't think he knew he was supposed to – and he allowed the other contestants, especially the famous ones, to brainwash him a little. One thing any Survivor fan should have learned is that "gestures" don't go very far in this game. Sharing food with people won't convince them to spare you. Handing immunity over to an undeserving slice of human garbage won't sway the jury into thinking you're a deserving winner. He softballs Amanda with a question about her loyalty to Ozzy, and I can't even remember what he says to Parvati but I didn't write it down so it must have been trivial. This makes me think he'll vote the way I expect most of the jury to: Amanda is sweet and innocent; Parvati is a conniving schemer; Amanda wins. Turns out I'm completely wrong. I guess if people voted like that, Richard Hatch never would have won. (Which might have kept him out of prison, by the way.)

IV. James

My love for James is evidence of one of the following: a) James played a quiet, strategic game for most of the season and always planned to get awesome as soon as it was necessary, or b) I'm incapable of watching Survivor if my brain can't trick me into thinking I'm at least rooting for one of them. His conversation with Parvati after she engineers Ozzy's blindside still makes me giggle – I have it saved on my TiVo for repeat viewing. He was so unflappable, straightforward, and insightful. And, best of all, he reined it all in, showing Parvati none of the emotion she had hoped to get from him. He seemed to enjoy himself in the game, collapsing into laughter at many Tribal Councils while the others were rolling their eyes.

James, like me, figures Amanda "has it in the bag," so he doesn't bother her during the final Tribal Council. He grants Parvati an opportunity to reprise my favorite conversation, being honest with him instead of cooking up reasons it's his fault she betrayed Ozzy. She doesn't really understand, but whatever. James votes for Amanda, because he is awesome.

V. Alexis

No idea what she did in this game at all. She managed to take it pretty personally that Amanda's mini idol sent her home, but she forfeited the right to feel too upset when she voted for Amanda first. In the minds of Alexis and Natalie, immunity was in Erik's hands so one of the five women had to go – logically they targeted the one who looked most threatening in a jury vote. Nothing personal, Amanda must go! So, why is it personal that Amanda applied the same logic? The only way for her to survive was to play the mini idol. Maybe she could have told them about it, but that would force an unpredictable vote which might have eliminated Parvati or Cirie. (In hindsight, this might have worked in Amanda's favor, but obviously at the time she had to regard it as a less than optimal outcome.)

Alexis is all over Parvati because Alexis is all over Natalie and Natalie is really all over Parvati. To the two "fan women," Parvati is the person who reached out to them and included them in her alliance of females. I forget they're too stupid to realize that she only did that to shore up temporary numbers, planning all along to cut them loose long before Amanda or even Cirie. So I forget that Alexis feels betrayed by Amanda, not Parvati.

VI. Erik

I got carried away and covered most of Erik in the Jason section. He's a sweet kid, but what he says at the reunion is completely true: he's not the sort of person who can play Survivor the way one must in order to win. There have been a few others over the years who fit that description. For some reason, I harbor no grudge against them the way I do for old people who waste space on The Amazing Race with no chance of winning. Maybe because they're younger and sometimes cute. Maybe because I believe them when they say they didn't expect the social game to be as bad as it is. (Paradoxically, I have no patience for people who get to the island and are shocked to find the living somewhat difficult. If these people just want to kick around and have everything provided for them, they should stay home – or go on Big Brother.)

Erik calls Amanda insincere, which makes me think he'll vote for Parvati, but he surprises me yet again. I think he just likes Amanda, which I can certainly understand. He basically said as much when he explained his bizarre decision to take her on his reward spa trip. He's a cute kid. Good for him.

VII. Natalie

There are many reasons I'm thrilled this season is over, but one of the brightest is that I never have to think about Natalie again. She's not really a horrible person, but perhaps she's even more obnoxious because she thinks she has this capacity for horribleness and she revels in it. I wish I could put into words how revolting her interviews were in her last few episodes – but they affected me on such a visceral level I can't even describe it. I think the core problem is that she's smug with nothing to back it up. (She says at one point that she's "dealing with women who are as smart as I am." She is sleeping on sand that's as smart as she is.)

She developed a late bond with Parvati when Alexis was inexplicably selected as the victim of Amanda's mini idol blindside, and apparently during that time Parvati did some flirting with Natalie, same as she flirted with anyone else within her reach. Natalie's question, in the all-important final Tribal Council, is whether Parvati's flirtatiousness carries over "in the bedroom." Through some very awkward contortions of language (she's rock stupid, remember), Natalie asks if Parvati will back up all that flirting by going to bed with her. I have no problem with Natalie being bisexual. We all are, to an extent. (Put down your hand, Mr. Mulder. Zero is a percent.) In fact, her bisexuality may be the only thing I like about her. But now isn't the time – save this question for the reunion show.

Natalie votes for Parvati for the same reason Ozzy votes for Amanda.

VIII. Cirie

I tried really hard to like Cirie this time around, but she was still very annoying with her condescending comments. She doesn't really play the game, which is a fine and viable strategy, but I don't think this gives her license to get snippy about the people who do. (While I pause to let the irony of that sink in, I'll remind you that I've never had a chance to play the game.) As Amanda points out, Cirie is talented at convincing people to see things her way. No problem with that, really. For a contestant who can't compete in the physical part of the game, she carried herself a long way with this. I was ready to warm to her, at least a little, until her question for Amanda in the final Tribal Council.

All along, Cirie has had a problem understanding the point of the voting part of the game. When she was on the chopping block in her season, she brought up the same thing. It's not just wrong, it's so fundamentally flawed it sends me into a rage. (Shocking, I know.) Cirie seems to believe that you vote people out in order of how much you think they deserve to win the million dollars. All things being equal (no immunities, etc.), you would rank all the contestants in order of who's most deserving and just vote off the least deserving person every time. Believing yourself to deserve the money most of all, you'd vote yourself out last. This does not make one iota of sense.

Her question for Amanda is in the same vein. Why does Amanda feel that Parvati is more deserving of the million dollars than Cirie? If I were Amanda in this situation, I would follow Karl Rove's advice (stop it – yes, I mean after I spent 30 minutes fondling my boobs) and reject the premise of the question. From Amanda's standpoint, the only reason to keep Parvati is if she thinks more people will vote for herself than for Parvati. (It seemed like a good choice, too. Parvati masterminded many defeats; Cirie was relatively quiet and easy to like.) Thus, selecting Parvati for the final two is explicitly saying she does not deserve the million dollars. If Amanda wanted to hand the million dollars to some other player, she could just quit the game. (Talk about the most awesome final Tribal Council ever!) Every move Amanda makes should be in service of increasing her own chances to win the money. Thus, it is preposterous to factor in who else you would like to give the money to. By definition, you are trying to prevent anyone else getting the money! It would be great to have people stick around who you like, but the primary concern must be to increase your own chances of winning the money.

Cirie votes for Parvati because she feels Amanda betrayed her by taking Parvati to the final two. I wondered if Amanda might have screwed herself by making a big deal out of how wrong Cirie was to perceive herself at the bottom of their three-way alliance all along. Cirie was absolutely right to notice that; it was completely true. Not because of race or age, but just because Amanda and Parvati bonded early and got along best. (Cirie was wrong, for example, to perceive herself at the botom of the five-way alliance with the two fan women. Those two were always expendable, as evidenced by their quick dismissal when the numbers shrank.) I still think Amanda made the right choice eliminating Cirie, because she had no way of knowing how cockeyed the jury votes would be. Parvati as a juror/inquisitor would have been scary and unpredictable, and Cirie might have soaked up a lot of votes for being quiet enough that her machinations were never visible to those whose eliminations she helped coordinate. It's that tiresome "electability" question, and you can drive yourself crazy going round and round fretting over it. Somebody make Amanda a superdelegate!

IX. Amanda and Parvati

Obviously, I was rooting for Amanda toward the end, mainly because she seemed to have the jury vote sewed up back when she played her mini idol, so she was playing with a huge target on her back and I was thrilled to see her pull some pivotal immunity wins to stay in it. Parvati has always irritated me, and I won't pretend her vendetta against Jonathan Penner didn't play a big part in that. My guess is that between Amanda's crying and Ozzy's odd love monologue about her, Amanda managed to alienate enough people with seeming insincerity that Parvati didn't seem like such a bad vote. Someone at the reunion said Parvati gave more honest answers – I didn't find this to be true, but her honest answers sounded more detrimental to her own cause, so maybe they seemed more forthright than Amanda's. Not the worst final vote ever (I think Aras still holds that title) but frustrating and puzzling.

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