Thu, March 20, 2008

In all the years that Survivor has been overlapping with March Schizophrenia, how many times has the Wednesday episode not been a clip show? Zero? Something like zero? Now, in a season with at least two fewer Tribal Councils than originally planned, wouldn't you think CBS would want to pad out its episode count with at least one clip show? I would, I really would – and not just because I want a week off to mask the fact that I procrastinated my way right through another Survivor deadline.

I make no apologies for that, by the way. I think we need a national week of mourning whenever Jonathan leaves Survivor. Who can think about work at a time like this? Who can think about Survivor? That poor, glorious bastard. What right does his knee have to get infected? I'd like to see each and every one of those bacteria in my office right this instant. Let them look me in the eye and explain what they did.

It's a biological imperative? They know how to do literally nothing other than reproduce inside a host organism? That's no excuse; there are literally trillions of other places for them to hang out on the island without anybody even noticing. How sick is our media-obsessed culture when even bacteria are desperate to get some TV face time?

Whatever. Let them have their stupid mechanical devotion to survival. What are Jon's lymph nodes for, if not their colonization? (Next year, CBS presents Survivor: Monera, in which 20 slacker bacteria compete for the top prize. Their heartless, single-celled editors can't be any worse than the ones we've got.)

I. Quitting

One thing that's fascinating about the biggest pile of quitting we've seen since All-Stars is that they keep on playing the immunity games and having Tribal Council. I actually like this. (I'll admit I like it a little less after Airai's winning streak is broken – but then a few minutes later, I like it okay again. God bless Eliza and her puzzle skills – and her cute little cockney accent, 'Ello, 'ow 'are 'ou?) The game should never have begun with 20 people, so nature, insanity, and poor social skills have stepped in to do what the casting department couldn't: thin the herd. I'm really sad my guy is among the departed, especially because my favorite remaining contestant is... Eliza? I didn't share Jon's confidence that he could win, but I sure liked the position he had himself in, and he will be missed.

The immediate result is that James is on a team with five women, since Jason is away on Exile Island being duped into believing that a blunt stick with two eyes and a smile carved out of it might be a mini idol. (Maybe Jon was right about the fans being complete idiots.) James isn't thrilled about the gender imbalance – and I guess after this many days without showers, I wouldn't see much of an upside either. He's mostly bothered by their chattering; I'd be more concerned about the inevitable moment when they band together. "Why is James so great, just because he does stuff? He can't tell us what to do!" Vote. Starve. The End.

Meanwhile, on Malakal, Chet is jealous. He cut his foot on some coral during a challenge and it hasn't yet caused any sexy doctors to come whisk him away. Why does Jon get all the luck? I'm a little suspicious about Chet's "injury," because when he shows it to the camera, there's nothing to see. Also, it apparently happened during a challenge, which would imply that he participated in a challenge. Does that sound like Chet to you? It sure doesn't sound like Chet to Chet.

Anyway, Chet's all miserable and he feels like his body has "given out" (sure, but that was weeks ago – how is he just noticing?) so he requests the votes of Malakal to send him home. We're back to this, and I must ask – what the fuck? Is there something in the Survivor contract that changes the money you get if you quit vs. getting voted off? Why else would people make such a big deal out of this incredibly meaningless distinction between a dramatically lit Tribal Council ejection and a ride on Probst's Ship of Quitters?

Tracy is caught in a rare moment of neither scheming nor whining about people's refusal to blindly accept whatever scheme serves her best, and she double-schemes to make up for it. Won't Chet stay in the game one more day and vote with her and Erik to get rid of Ozzy? If Chet's bailing on his alliance with her anyway, he could at least help set her up decently numbers-wise. Chet fails to see the advantage for him. Of course there is none; he'll be gone, so it won't affect him at all who's left and what their options are for winning. But it would kind of be a way to live up to his commitment to an alliance he's about to shatter. He's disinclined to go with her idea, though, because he's really miserable and it would mean he'd have to stay on the island some more.

Again, I haven't read the Survivor contract, but I'm pretty sure there's no specific window set aside for quitting. Chet could vote with Tracy, eliminate Ozzy, and then immediately quit. He'd only have to spend about five extra minutes on the island. I can see where Chet wouldn't think of this – he didn't get the idea to quit because of injury until Jon did it first. But Tracy is devising strategies in her sleep. How could she overlook this? Janu and Osten were both allowed to quit at Tribal Council – there's no reason Chet wouldn't be allowed to quit right after.

We have the godawful fucking Survivor editors to blame for what happens next, but it's still kind of amazing. (What actually happens is that everyone decides to vote for Chet, as they reasonably should, but the editors, in constant fear of a TV viewer knowing what happens on Survivor, obscure all that from us.) Based on the falsehood we see, the assumption is that everyone goes along with Ozzy's plan to eliminate Chet, but Ami, Tracy, Erik, and Chet will actually vote for Ozzy. If this is your plan, the key to Tribal Council is to play along. You don't want to give Ozzy any reason to play his mini idol. Even if you aren't sure he has it, there's definitely reason to think he might. (Never mind Jason's claim that Ozzy has it, and Ozzy's less-convincing claim that he doesn't; simply knowing Ozzy has been to Exile Island should tell you he might have the idol.) As far as TribCon strategy goes, you'll never go wrong treating someone who might have the mini idol like someone who definitely has it.

So, Coach Probst goes about asking the questions he always asks. Managing to keep a straight face, he asks what this bunch of losers is basing their vote on. So far, diluting the original fans group with a few favorites hasn't been enough to convince them to get rid of the dead wood at the bottom of their strength/ability ladder. Ozzy jumps at the chance to spell out how they're finally going to cut Chet loose – as always, refusing to name names. This makes perfect sense. Not only is Chet the no-brainer vote (and has been for weeks), he's specifically asked all these people to vote for him, and – as far as Ozzy knows – they said they would.

Then Chet chimes in. What the fuck is wrong with this colossal idiot? Chet reminds Ozzy of the game's history of people being voted out who didn't see it coming. This just knocks me off my sofa. First: Chet has asked people to vote for him – there's no reason he should be surprised by the idea that people might. Second: Chet wants Ozzy to believe that he is leaving, and everyone is voting for him, just like he asked. This would make it unlikely for Ozzy to play his mini idol tonight. (Frankly, if this group of losers votes to send him home instead of Chet, I think he would voluntarily quit before Probst could snuff his torch. What hope could he have with a group that stupid?) Still, why take the risk? Why do anything to give him the suspicion that there might be a blindside afoot? It's monumentally stupid. But, most importantly: in the history of Survivor, there is no one less entitled to defend his personal pride at TribCon than Chet. He has consistently underperformed at challenges. Lack of strength or stamina is not his fault – and outside the game of Survivor, his quitter's mentality at challenges wouldn't be a problem either. But if you sign up for Survivor, you're kind of saying "I'm going to give my all to win, even if I'm old and weak and my 'all' isn't much. At least I'll try." Chet gives up at least once per challenge, and it is usually directly connected to his team's loss. Further, he is ridiculously lazy. Ordinarily, I'm the first to attack the workhorse martyr when he accuses someone of loafing at camp, because there's hours of spare time to sit around. But this is a tremendous amount of footage of Chet doing nothing – there's no way Chet could sit idly for this much time and still have time to do anything productive off-camera. Atop all this, he's a whiny quitter who repeatedly requested people vote for him so he could go home, get a bandage for his phantom foot injury, and grab a meal and a shower. (But would he quit the game? Never!) How does that guy think he has a right to defend his pride in a TribCon debate? Laughable, man!

Then they all vote for Chet (fucking editors!) and on his way out, he says he decided Erik and Tracy can worry about eliminating Ozzy after he's gone. Well, yeah, of course they can – but it's going to be considerably more difficult just because you're a moron. Why not say what he's really thinking? "I don't care about Ozzy or Tracy or Erik. I don't care about Survivor at all; I just want to leave it." No shame in that. Except for the considerable shame involved in being a loser, a quitter, and a welsher. God, what a moron.

A few days later, Kathy the goony bird decides she's going to leave as well. (Despite winning immunity every time, the new Airai is losing people as fast as Malakal.) She's had it with the weather, and feels that the agony of the constant rain is downplayed by the show's editors, who "don't show you five or six hours of pouring rain." While I agree that would make excellent television, I'd much prefer they show anything from the two hours leading up to any Tribal Council. Two things are excellent about Kathy's descent into madness. One is the way all the ladies of Airai cluster around Kathy and try to calm her down and convince her to stay. She's literally been blubbering ever since sunrise, and it's clear that she's very sure about her decision to leave – and that she's completely worthless to them at this point. Nevertheless, they suffer through at least 20 minutes more of her stream-of-consciousness wailing, continuing to comfort her as though they'll realize some advantage by convincing her to stay. I will never understand women. Second, and more glorious, is the fact that she doesn't decide to pull the trigger on quitting until the morning after the most awful, miserable, sleepless night of her life. The rain is non-stop, and even though they're dry in the cave, they're surrounded by insects, bats, and rats who are also scurrying for shelter – plus there's no food or water because they can't start a fire. The sleeplessness, discomfort, and starvation push Kathy to a nervous breakdown, but she hangs in through all of that and quits the next day on a beautiful, sunny morning. Quitting is all about timing, and Kathy's timing is pretty hilarious. By the time they roust Probst from his hot tub and transport him over to Airai to pick Kathy up, she's calmed down considerably and is speaking in a normal tone of voice. Still, she's made her decision – after a brief therapy session with Dr. Coach Probst, she packs it in and heads off on his quit-boat, accompanied by sad music that isn't quite as sad as Jonathan's Forced Medical Evacuation Theme.

II. The Mini Idol

I've hated the mini idol since its inception, and I suppose that's why I gave it a dumb nickname (based on the now-defunct iPod mini, which was a sort of lesser accessory to the iPod just as the mini idol is to the immunity necklace – Probst actually refers to it as the "hidden immunity idol"). The rules for its use have been consistently modified to make it even more of a strategic spoiler, and the clues to its location have become easier and easier.

Nevertheless, there it is. And Kathy, Cirie, and Chet are too stupid or lazy to want to look for it, so of course Ozzy has it. Having seen previous seasons of Survivor, Ozzy imitates Yau-Man and creates a fake mini idol. Jason – despite being a "fan" – apparently missed Yau-Man's season, and is easily convinced by this pathetic impostor.

Returning from exile with the mini idol, Ozzy plays it much cooler than Misty did when she returned without it. He gives an answer which is perfectly convincing at face value (maybe he really didn't find it) and also sounds exactly like what someone would say if he had found it. This seems smart, because the mini idol is most valuable when people are afraid you have it, so they avoid voting for you altogether. However, if they know you have it, they're likely to concoct a scenario not unlike Mike's elaborate scheme to split the vote and knock someone out with the second most votes. (Then Ozzy goes and tells three people about it – nearly half the people on his team. This seems dopey because if he ever encounters a situation where he really needs them to know, he could always tell them then.)

When Jason returns from Exile Island, thinking he has the mini idol, he gives a far less convincing performance, pretending to believe that it has already been recovered by Ozzy. (Kind of fun, because he thinks he's lying, Ozzy knows he's not but realizes why he thinks he is, and then Ozzy must tell a completely different lie.) Ozzy has played this more or less perfectly. Two people think they have the mini idol, both denying it, and Ozzy knowing the truth about Jason's idol – that he doesn't have it but (astonishingly) believes he does.

At Tribal Council, Ozzy has seemed to be recklessly cavalier about his decision to keep the mini idol hidden. But this is all the editors; Ozzy is completely certain he won't be getting any votes, even though it's implied that he's likely to go home for two TribCons in a row. Everyone else on Malakal has played stupendously bad mini idol strategy; given their relative certainty that Ozzy has it, they should be working to force him to reveal it. Even if they don't plan to vote for him, they should all convince him that they're about to. Then he plays it, it's out in the open, and they're off the hook. Dopes.

What I'm wondering about is Jason's mini idol strategy. Since he's inexplicably convinced that he has the actual mini idol, we can't fault him for playing as though he does. But what has me curious is: will thinking he has it give him an advantage? Not if everyone votes for him and he tries to play it, of course. But if he can, with absolute confidence, behave as though he does have it, it may affect the voting strategies of others. I didn't watch the end of Yau-Man's season (but then I didn't go on Survivor and tout myself as a "fan" of the show), so I don't know how the fake mini idol scenario plays out. But it might be interesting. Then again, if things keep going as they have been, it's entirely possible Jason will win by default after everyone else quits, one by one.

III. Tracy

I'm always sorry not to see Ozzy go, because I hate him. But I admit I was happy to see Tracy leave instead of him this week. I don't mind someone who strategizes a bit too much (cf. my darling Jonathan), but Tracy's version is so goddamn entitled. Every scheme she devises is at least 50% more beneficial to her than it is to anyone else, but she still acts like everyone owes it to her to vote the way she says. Maybe if she were a really awesome player in other ways, like (to pick a random example) Jon. Or even Ozzy, for that matter. But she's kind of useless, not really good at anything except bitching and picking fights. (And I don't mean "bitching" like "any woman who dares to open her mouth or express an opinion is automatically a 'bitch'"; I mean "bitching" like being a whiny, sniveling little bitch.) It would be a cool move for Chet to help fell Ozzy, giving stragglers like Tracy a better chance at winning. It would be a nice reversal. But does Chet owe it to her? Absolutely not.

Most of the time she talks faster than she thinks, and this makes her obnoxious and often wrong. She opens this week barking at Ozzy for refusing to slaughter the chickens. He likes the constant output of eggs, but she's hungry for the meat. She accuses Ozzy of hoarding the meat until after she's gone, to share it with a smaller group of people he likes better. He says, no I just think we have more use for the eggs right now. And I'm no Ozzy apologist, but he's completely right. Every day you don't kill the chicken, you get two or three more eggs. Seems like you'd try to wait as long as you can. If Tracy, having been voted off, is going to be jealous of the chicken that Ozzy and Malakal will be eating with their fingers off a stick over an open fire, she's a crazy idiot. Tracy (having been voted off) will be in a resort bathtub with a giant room service order at that point. Considering Ozzy subsequently helps them win a big food reward, it seems like Malakal is better off having fresh eggs the next day rather than eating a whole chicken right before their Herbal Essences feast.

When it's time to take another swipe at Ozzy, Tracy and Ami devise a Mike-type multi-layered plan to set up one strategy and then secretly vote a different way – thus sending Ozzy home when he thinks he'll be sending Tracy (and everyone else thinks Erik's going). Then, it doesn't happen and Tracy's gone in a unanimous vote. It's a shame the editors are sadistic sons of bitches, because it would be kind of interesting to see how these elaborate strategies are dismantled. Did Ami get cold feet? Did Ozzy convince everyone how much happier they'd be without Tracy? ("We'll kill two chickens right away, just to do it!") Or did Cirie sniff out a double-cross and engineer Tracy's elimination? We'll never know, because the only time anyone might divulge this kind of hush-hush information is at the reunion show after the finale, and I usually spend that episode in the bathtub with a toaster.

IV. Ozzy

As mentioned before, it must be killing him to be on a team that not only can't manufacture a win, but seems willfully devoted to short-circuiting its own best chances to win in the future. Yes, he's got Amanda with him, but they haven't been making out that much lately, and she's been sneaking off with Cirie to plot against him (which is unsexy on so many levels). However, he's got his mini idol, he's got his fake mini idol out there doing his bidding, and he's got his floppy straw hat. So maybe he's kicking back and loving it.

I still detest him, and my best guess at why is related to all the publicity he gets for being a scrappy little jungle cub who can climb anything or swim anything, and how hard he works to perpetuate that image. I can't fault Erik for fawning over him – who wouldn't? He's the Survivor Wonder Boy! He swims like a dolphin! He climbs like a monkey! He makes love like a thoroughbred, but he breaks just like a little girl. And he loves to approach each new obstacle with his patented Ozzy strategy. Why swim with a hammer, when he can throw it ahead and swim out to it? Why retrieve coconuts one by one, when he can push them all to the edge of the cage at once? This is great when it works, and even better when it doesn't. In the last reward challenge, he tries so hard to be a one-man puzzle-piece-hauling machine, but despite his quickness and his extra shove to get the bundle of pieces into the water, his team still comes up short because he's surrounded by people who have no idea how to win. It's great just watching him in moments like that.

Possibly greater, though, is watching him unable to deploy a fancy strategy because it's beyond his reach. The immunity challenge where teams must transport people between two high platforms over the water using just two balance poles is always a fun one to watch. But Airai decides to try carrying a balance pole with Eliza on top, and it works! Malakal can't try this because they don't have James on their team to lift the pole. (They would've had Joel, but... oh yeah. They're giant idiots and Tracy convinced them he was worthless.) Don't cry for them, though – they may not have strength, but they've got instinct! One of my favorite hilarious Survivor moments is Ami, slated to walk across Malakal's second round of balance poles, waiting atop her platform and practicing. She's pacing around, taking slow steps low to the ground from one imaginary twelve-inch circle to another, around and around. It's positively hysterical to watch. You can see Probst watching it, but he never has a chance to comment on it – Airai is too busy winning. (Better still, by the time Tracy gets to the opposite platform, Malakal is so far behind that they must attempt to copy Airai's strategy and carry Ami across on the pole. All that rehearsal for nothing! Then she fails to lower her center of gravity enough, the pole is all wobbly, and Airai wins before Malakal can make any progress.) I'm all for using extra downtime during challenges to prepare, but Ami's dress rehearsal is more than just useless, it's comically silly to look at.

Next week, we'll see Ami and Cirie tracking and killing a jungle animal. They don't show us what it is as Ami plunges the knife in deep – I just hope it's not Ozzy, out for his morning run-like-a-puma or stroll-like-a-wildebeest. Of all the people to kill him, I wouldn't put it past Cirie, who is harboring a major grudge for that one time he invited her along for a boat trip to a nearby reef, and after she got there she regretted going or something.

Study Questions

1. When Airai fits all its members onto the tiny platform to win immunity, Eliza actually has to bark at Probst to get a ruling, because he's too busy watching Malakal slog along. Would Burnett ever institute an instant replay official review?

2. At the Herbal Essences Spa reward, Cirie giggles with astonishment at the idea that a couple of hot twentysomethings would shower topless on a reality show. What is she, seven? (Did I mention the reality show placed the shower on a well-lit platform in the middle of a clearing, with no curtain?)

3. Who is more of a jackass? Tracy, for demanding Chet time his quit to her greatest advantage? Or Chet for abandoning his alliance and refusing to time his quit to her advantage?

4. Kathy is shown blubbering about rain, bugs, exhaustion, hunger, and a failure to telepathically contact her daughter the way Rupert used to. Which of the following is an actual Kathy complaint from the cutting room floor?

   a. A weird dream she had.

   b. It's distasteful to vote people off; many of them are trying their best.

   c. Sand is the wrong color.

   d. Probst looks older in person.

   e. A million dollars doesn't buy what it used to.

5. While leading her blindfolded teammates through an obstacle course, Cirie frequently confuses left and right. Would she be awesome to have in an operating room, or what?

6. In Tracy's final TribCon, she again refuses to blindside Ozzy. (Fucking editors!) Instead, she makes a last-ditch appeal to save her because she's less threatening than he is. Who is actually less threatening: a physical competitor, or someone who's strategic manipulations are absolutely incessant?

7. Will Malakal ever be able to restore Coach Probst's faith in them? Like, is there anything they can do at a future Tribal Council that would cause his Final Words to be something more like, "Gosh, you guys. That was awesome and I never thought you had it in you. You're probably the best teamwork team we've ever had. Bring it in, group hug, bring it in."

8. We're getting into the middle section of the game, when more and more of the rewards are going to be big feasts. When an ice cream reward is announced, how awesome would it be to exile Erik and watch his sweet, youthful face fall?

Viewing for Next Session

They've mercifully granted us a basketball break after this episode, so there's no telling when the next episode airs. (My best guess: two weeks from tonight.) It's worth looking forward to: Cirie and Ami will kill Ozzy (or a boar; or possibly a lizard), the ladies of Airai will unite against James, and Erik will perform a fun physiological experiment to see how many tons of pressure the human sternum can withstand.

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