Tue, April 8, 2008

Wow, another week of basketball really would have worked out nicely. I know I complain about every episode of Survivor, but this one really sucked. Did anything happen? We didn't even get two challenges out of it – what a dud.

I've referred to this before as the Pre-Merge Doldrums. The teams are about to merge and begin the individual game, so nobody wants to make any sudden movements or draw attention to him- or herself; everyone would prefer to coast quietly into the merge and pick up the game from there. This is especially important for the more physically dominant players, people everyone wants around when the team needs immunity wins but nobody wants to face in a one-on-one scenario. This time, there are only two physically dominant players remaining, thanks to the voting strategy of Airai-cum-Malakal: eliminate anyone good. James is safe on the new Airai: they've never lost immunity. Ozzy is on the downtrodden Malakal team, but due to their losing streak, I doubt anyone considers him a physical threat any more. If he could win, wouldn't he be winning?

We don't even get a showdown between these two, because Ozzy is pre-exiled along with Alexis as a result of a one-time "twist" in which teams preselect one person from the opposing team, banishing them to Exile Island for the duration of the challenge and reward, but granting them individual immunity for the week's Tribal Council. So, we just get another loss by Malakal, and it even counts twice since it's a remmunity challenge. God, what a boring week.

I. Those Fucking Editors

And you can just tell they know how boring it is, because the "scenes" at the end of the previous episode oversold absolutely every moment. We saw Ami and Cirie stalking through the dusk, wielding a machete, then driving it deep into the heart of some island creature (possibly Probst!). In reality, they hunt the crabs that the natives showed them how to hunt in a previous reward. All that dramatic footage of Ami twisting the knife, putting all her weight into the kill – it was somehow a crab about the size of your fist.

The other Big Dramatic Moment from the scenes was Erik clotheslining himself on a challenge platform, leaping full-force, missing, and smacking his ribcage across the apron of yet another balance-beam stage. It looked positively crippling, especially in slow motion, with Probst's cringe and all that dramatic music. In reality, Erik walks it off instantaneously. He's a little hurt, but the wind isn't even knocked out of him. I'm not saying I wanted to see him bloodied, bruised, or paralyzed – but that's sort of what they promised us.

II. A Hottie Final Four

They're really desperate for footage, because they're showing us scenes of Parvati and Natalie germinating an alliance. Parvati thinks they should line up with Eliza and Alexis and be ready to cut James loose if they need to. After the merge, they'll swap Eliza for Amanda and finish strong as the most attractive final four in Survivor history. This whole scenario is just a dagger in the heart of my already discredited Survivor Hottie Postulate, but that doesn't make it any less fun to daydream about. Still, alluring or not, this conversation is just unnecessary filler material. Airai isn't going to lose immunity, so they have no reason to strategize about it.

III. What Happened?

What could they be showing us instead? How about any moment that contributes materially to the Tribal Council vote? I know the editors are inexplicably obsessed with making each vote a huge surprise when it happens, but why does that mean they can't even give us a hint of causality? We see it come down to a clear decision between Erik and Ami, with a whole lot of evidence to suggest people voting for Erik, and then Ami goes. Sure, there are plenty of reasons why the votes might go that way, but which is it?

III. A. Trust

Erik pleads repeatedly that Ami approached Tracy, Chet, and himself with a plan to get rid of Ozzy if Chet would only summon enough dignity to forestall his quitting plan. This is absolutely true, although Erik has no way to prove it. At Tribal Council, when Ami at last owns up to it, she contends she was lying to the fans to keep them from coming up with a better plan. I can't prove that's not true, but she certainly made a big show out of professing her loyalty to them at the time. Also, if her plan was to distract them, it was a mildly stupid and seriously unnecessary plan, since without her they lacked the numbers to threaten Ozzy or any of the other favorites. All we can say for sure is that she was either lying then or she's lying now, which is to say: she's capable of lying convincingly and she's willing to do it. Maybe this is the reason Malakal votes unanimously to get rid of her. We don't know because the fucking editors never show us anyone even discussing a vote against Ami, except for Erik in his impassioned monologues.

III. B. Insanity

Up until the previous episode, there were enough people left in the game that the editors could pretty much cut around Ami. She doesn't do or say anything interesting, and she's not a part of any major alliance. The majority of her screen time so far has been her staggeringly hilarious balance pole "rehearsal" during yet another failed challenge.

What I'm saying is: maybe she's always been this crazy, we just haven't seen it. But it seems like she experiences some sort of psychotic break – from the footage we see, it begins rather suddenly this week. Having had little to say on the subject of strategy or alliance apart from some early words about Jonny Fairplay, Ami is now deeply invested in the idea of being in an alliance with someone and feeling "a part of the group."

It's not just the fact that she's suddenly started talking about it nonstop. She's started weeping about it, as well. And she comes across crazy and incoherent. After Erik makes his case to Cirie and Amanda for keeping him and eliminating Ami (Ozzy's still on Exile Island), Ami shows up to rebut. Tired of hearing about it, Amanda points out that Erik is doing exactly what anyone would do in his position, and they're not necessarily listening to what he's saying, but he sort of has a right to say it and he'd be crazy not to. And Ami agrees with that and makes a few points in order to contradict Erik's arguments before walking away.

But then she returns and starts bawling about this "part of the group" concept. She's been excluded from any alliance, except in rare cases where she was brought on as an outlier to shore up numbers for a vote. Which, again, is exactly what she should expect since the alliances are already formed up and she's not a strategic mover on her own. She doesn't have to like it, just like she doesn't have to like Erik's speech; but she must acknowledge that it's the most reasonable course of action. And bringing it up now, making a big scene out if it, only makes her appear more desperate than she ought to be. If I'm Amanda or Cirie in this situation (and if I get to pick, can it please be Amanda?), I start wondering, "Wow, if she's really this worried about being eliminated, should we be thinking about eliminating her?"

Amanda and Cirie aren't ready for a big meltdown, so they oblige Ami with a group hug. Ami follows this by tracking Erik down and thanking him for bringing her closer to the other favorites. Big, gooey, melodramatic, Kristin-Kreuk-on-Smallville, tears-in-the-eyes Thank You. Huh? Is this her way of gloating? (And it should be noted, she brandishes a machete toward Erik's throat at one point during all this.) Is she actually thanking him? Does she really think his speech had anything to do with the hug, and not just two women trying to shut her up? It's very weird.

At Tribal Council, she's bawling again about the idea of togetherness and harmony. This could very easily be the reason for her elimination, but we don't know because the fucking editors never show us anyone even discussing a vote against Ami.

III. C. Male Bonding

In the last two episodes, Ozzy has taken Erik on as his apprentice, showing him how to climb trees for coconuts and do other things Ozzy approves of and likes to discuss his prowess for. He's never explicitly said that he would orchestrate a vote against a favorite in order to protect his padawan, but he's hinted at it. Ozzy spends most of the episode on Exile Island with Alexis, pretending to search for the mini idol in order to confirm that Jason has discovered his fake mini idol and taken the bait. So, Erik has been forced to plead his case to Amanda and Cirie, when it's Ozzy who's most likely to fight for him.

All we see is a brief discussion as Ozzy returns from E.I. Erik handles this as perfectly as he can: he lays out his argument, and he lets Ozzy know that he'll be voting for Ami. If Ozzy and one other person vote with him, she'll be going. If not, not. Amanda and Cirie haven't shown any deep commitment to keeping Ami around, though they've discussed their inclination to preserve the favorites. (Which is sort of silly, since it's not like they're each other's favorites – they were picked by the casting department.) So, if Ozzy decides to mount a campaign on behalf of his co-Mowgli, it's certainly possible he'd meet no resistance from the rest of Malakal. Maybe that's what happened, but we don't know because the fucking editors never show us anyone even discussing a vote against Ami.

III. D. Ozzy's Code of Honor

One thing we do see is an interview with Ozzy after hearing Erik's story. He's not positive that Ami really did try to turn Chet, Tracy, and Erik against him, but he's ready to believe it. And, if it's true, he says he will go after Ami. He's usually happy to keep someone around, but if anyone targets him, he'll instantly bounce them out of the game. Not sure how this works, exactly. I guess he's been lucky that only one person has targeted him at a time up to now. If everyone comes after him – and sooner or later they must – I suppose he just goes alphabetically as far as who he plots revenge against.

It's unlikely that Ozzy is so upset about the mere possibility of Ami agreeing to vote for him that he aligns an entire vote against her on the spot. Then again, we don't know because the fucking editors never show us anyone even discussing a vote against Ami.

III. E. Tribal Council

There's always the possibility that everyone arrives at Tribal Council with a toss-up in their minds. Maybe Erik, maybe Ami. During the question-and-answer session, Erik and Ami reiterate their previous speeches about each other, and Ami tears up again. But does that ever actually happen? Does anything that happens at Tribal Council – aside from the brandishing of a mini idol – affect the vote at the last minute? Amanda's been telling the interview camera she prefers Ami as "the devil you know" and Cirie's been repeating her preference for keeping the "home team" favorites on top (along with her exhaustive analysis of various post-merge numbers scenarios). It seems like the vote is pretty well set at this point, and it's against Erik. So why go through all this again? Do the editors think we missed these same speeches moments ago? We were listening, guys – I promise. We were straining desperately to hear something which might later explain the reasoning behind the TribCon vote. Silly us.

Forced to guess, I would say Ami's speeches convince everyone that she's erratic and unstable. Coupled with the fact that she's already just an empty vote for them, it's easy to go ahead and get rid of her. But that's just a guess, because the fucking editors never show us anyone even discussing a vote against Ami. And they easily could have; there's very little going on this week, and plenty of time to put that stuff in rather than doubling up on the tearful "part of a group" speech.

Study Questions

1. The remmunity challenge's heavy canvas bags proved universally ineffective at knocking anyone off the obstacle course. Would it have helped if the fake whooshing sound effects had been even louder?

2. The malnutrition of island living is extraordinarily effective at revealing whose breasts are real and whose are augmented. Do I get any credit for not devoting an entire lecture to this?

3. Probst asks Ami why Malakal should believe her account of her dealings with Tracy. Her reply is, "I don't want to leave the game." Come up with three responses which bear even less relevance to the question.

4. This episode's metaphorical animals include a rat and a crab. Match each to its correct metaphor:

   a. The Rat of a Strategic House of Cards; The Crab of Ignoring Basic Machete Safety

   b. The Rat of Absolutely Nothing Happening; The Crab of Absolutely Nothing Happening

   c. The Rat of a Food Reward Right Around the Corner; The Crab of Oversold Hunting Footage

   d. The Rat of I Bet the Humane Association Wasn't On-Set to Monitor Animal Treatment That Day; The Crab of You Ain't Kiddin'

Viewing for Next Week

"I'm in Such a Hot Pickle!" – the fun part of the episode titles is guessing which contestant the quote is attributable to. As with most things, it's designed to throw you off. Still, we can assume this one isn't James, right?

Not much other than the merge from next week's scenes. Amanda bristles at Alexis's intrusion into Ozzy's alliance plans, and the editors attempt to represent this as girly romantic jealousy. And Eliza, in a stage-whispered tête-à-tête with Jason, adopts that hilarious tone of "I can't believe you're so stupid I even have to explain this to you":

Eliza: It's not the idol.

Jason: It IS the idol!

Eliza: It's NOT the idol!

Jason: Why do you say that?

Eliza: Because that can't be the idol.

Jason: Why not?

Eliza (stunned): 'Cause... it's just a stick!

By the way – Ami's final words? The feeling of being a part of something had become really important to her.

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