Thu, December 23

(infinity)—6:25 AM

I don't know if you remember the opening of a film called Two Brothers. From the cover of the DVD box, it's apparently about a pair of tiger cubs. I don't know who the tiger cubs are, or who does their hilarious voices, but I'm reasonably sure this movie actually exists and I'm sure it must be a laugh riot.

Anyway, I saw an ad on TV the other day that it's out on DVD. ("Oh, thank God. Gator Face is finally out on Laserdisc!") And there's a mail-in rebate or something so you can get a couple of bucks back.

Here's my favorite part: at the very end of the ad, it says "And, save five dollars more if you take home Thunderbirds at the same time!" Then a little graphic comes up at the bottom of the screen, reading: "Offer valid until 2/18/05, or while supplies last." First of all, their words, not mine. "Take home Thunderbirds" – sounds a lot like "take Thunderbirds off our hands." And, of course, TiVo and I shared a hearty giggle over "while supplies last." Ah, yes! Hurry! Race to Wal-Mart now because Thunderbirds will be jumping off the shelves. Seriously, the planet is going to need to be attacked by mighty robots that eat Thunderbirds DVDs for fuel before there will be any problem with supplies lasting.

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Fri, December 17

Can I Love Katie Again?

Watching Katie Couric on The Daily Show reminds me how aggravated I am by the current state of broadcast "journalism" and – particularly – her place in it. (Read more.)

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Faster than a sleeping infant!—3:50 PM

On the way to a late lunch, I watched an LA city bus go by with a banner on its side advertising Discovery Channel's upcoming special Pompeii: The Last Day. The copy on the ad was something along the lines of: "How would you outrun a lava flow faster than this bus?"

I see the point. They're trying the same approach that was (in my opinion) a very effective attention-grabber for Godzilla a few years ago. (Banners like, "His foot is the size of this bus," and billboards like, "He's taller than this sign.") However, they're forgetting a key element: buses are intrinsically big. You can always make an impressive comparison to a bus's size. But buses – particularly on LA streets – are not that fast.

When I saw the ad, all I could imagine was this giant, bubbling lava flow trudging down the right-hand lane, belching smog, while dozens of SUVs and convertible BMWs swerved into the left lane (without using their turn signals) in order to get around it.

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Thu, December 16

The West Wing: "Impact Winter"

"I can't move my legs!" "There's a worldlet on a collision course with us!" "North Korea's got the bomb!" "I quit!" "Get me on the next flight to Houston!" (Read more.)

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Divine Comedy—9:03 PM

Just finished watching tonight's Daily Show – that's right: ahead of time! Will the benefits of DirecTV subscriberhood ever end? (Uh... maybe.) I have to say, once again Stephen Colbert's "This Week In God" segment is positively sublime. Colbert is unstoppable and TWIG is one of the few things on television that's always worthy of rewinding and watching again. (Also on that list: any Evangeline Lilly scene on Lost and any Hayden scene on The Amazing Race.) Even the hammy bits, like tonight's hallucination trip, are done with Colbert's trademark enthusiasm and commitment. His delivery (the nimble tongue of Dan Aykroyd mixed with the hyperbolic "gravitas" and "sincerity" of a network newscaster) fits the material perfectly, and often reminds me of Greg Kinnear in his prime at Talk Soup. (Which, if any TV show was ripe for a DVD set... even Grand can get in line behind Kinnear-era Talk Soup!)

Ultimately, the most -worthy moments always have something to do with the God Machine – the Press Your Luck-style button which Colbert pounds to initiate each new segment. The flashing images (and the verbal accompaniment by Stewart, off-camera) are hilarious, as are the series of exclamations that Colbert delivers with escalating intensity as he smacks the God Machine into action. This week, "I hit this God Machine, pa-rum-pa-pum-BIP!" had me giggling with glee.

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Tue, December 14

Flop, Check, Fold

An amazing t-shirt folding technique is being taught by a Japanese video clip that's floating around the web. Do you know any obsessive freaks who might be able to weigh in on this? (Read more.)

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Mon, December 13

Is It Over?

A slightly different reality to ponder. Instead of intending to write the Survivor finale recap and never getting around to it, I'm doing my homework early. (Read more.)

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Fri, December 10

Greetings from Vanuatu!

We get a sneak peek at a letter home from the island of fire – meanwhile, the elderly are being spared from Amazing Race elimination by cruel fate. (Read more.)

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Thu, December 9

"There's your answer, fishbulb."—1:22 PM

For those who don't know, a brief history of onebee.

In college, my buddy Andy (a frequent, and anonymous, reader of this site) taught me how to code HTML, and I started making silly little web pages. At some point, these started to have a purpose beyond just Photoshopping crazy things together and putting them on a page: I decided to have an archive of information about the films I'd made, and store things I'd written. Those things are still around, in some shape or form, starting with the very earliest: a Metamucil commercial and an evaluation of the death of Princess Diana.

The summer after my sophomore year, I worked for a wonderful but now-defunct web design firm in Florida called Millennium, TSI. They helped me secure my first domain name (up to then, everything had been hosted at my free USC student account). jameson.com wasn't available, but Ascension Island, a tiny South Atlantic nation, had just started selling .ac domains and for some reason jameson.ac seemed like a very cool idea. Not too many months later, I wised up and moved everything to ph7media.com, which was an easier URL to remember, but not by much.

It was around that time, toward the end of college, that my friend Michael Rush started besieging me with Jack Handey quotes, and the one printed at the bottom of this site's home page sparked an idea in my mind.

Unfortunately, at that time, onebee.com was not available. It was owned by a man in the UK named Martin Farmer. But he wasn't using it, so I contacted him by e-mail and asked if he might sell. He asked for an offer and I (insane with desire) offered $400 US. He said he was looking for something more like £2000. Too bad. ph7media.com would stay.

A couple of years later, the dot-com bubble had burst, and I had moved on. On rare occasions, the whim would strike me and I'd check and see if onebee.com had become available again. And one day – it had! I paid $15 for it, a considerable savings for just a couple of years spent biding my time. Too bad Mr. Farmer didn't want to negotiate. Then, in May of this year, onebee was born. (It's hard to believe it's only been seven months or so!)

Also, during the ph7media.com years, another pair of possible domain names had sparked my interest, based on the Mr. Sparkle commercial on The Simpsons. (As most readers are aware, Mr. Sparkle is a joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern.) Neither matsumura.com nor tamaribuchi.com were available. But today – one is!

So, unable to restrain myself, I snatched up tamaribuchi.com for some possible future use. Maybe I'll come up with something brilliant, maybe I'll just let it expire in a year, but I couldn't resist the chance to secure it, just in case.

For now, it points to onebee, so if you really want to confuse your bookmarks head on over to tamaribuchi.com.

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Wed, December 8

Filibuster vigilantly—2:40 PM

I very rarely listen to the lyrics of songs until I know them pretty well. I'm more of a melody person. I mean, of course there are some songs which have really obvious lyrics, so of course I hear those and I know what those songs are about. I know "Birdhouse in Your Soul" is about a little nightlight. But whenever people point out that it's inappropriate how often Green Day's "Time of Your Life" is used as a sweet and sentimental song in movies and TV, since it's actually about a bitter breakup, I just nod silently, because I had no idea it was about that.

Once I hear a song enough times, if it's one of the ones I really like, then the lyrics start to seep in and I start figuring it out. Or, that process can be fast-tracked if someone covers the song in a way that it's sung really, really slowly. This morning, Iron and Wine's cover of "Such Great Heights" came on the iPod, and I heard the opening for the first time:

I think it is a sign
that the freckles in our eyes
are mirror images
and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.

Wow. Now I get why people like listening to song lyrics. That's really pretty, and it makes me fall in love with love all over again. And with Garden State.

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NyQuil Drivers—9:02 AM

While we're on the subject of driving in LA, I've had it with these people who drive fancy, zippy sports cars – but drive them as though they're giant, clunky Oldsmobiles. You paid extra for all that power and torque, use it!

I swear, if everyone who drives a Porsche but refuses to drive it correctly were forced to give it to someone who would, I'd have twenty Porsches. I don't even want one! But so great is the number of people who drive fast cars but lollygag on the line after a green light, or speedmatch in the left lane when I'm trying to get around someone, or take forever to merge – those of us who keep up with the pace would have garages and garages full!

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Tue, December 7

Swear Jar

Survivor goes under the live blogging knife – laid out that way, it's harder to deny that exactly sixty minutes have been wasted forever – and The Amazing Race rolls merrily along. (Read more.)

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Please Don't—6:40 PM

If you're in front of me in the left turn lane at a traffic light – particularly during rush hour, but really whenever – I would really appreciate it if you would not behave as though there's any inherent difference between these two signals.

I promise you, there isn't. They mean exactly the same thing. Left turn continues to yield on green. Just because there was a green arrow, then a yellow arrow, doesn't mean there's now a red arrow. (And, as to why those shouldn't even exist in the first place – another story for another time.) Inch out there, just like you're supposed to, so we'll be ready to go when it turns yellow. Don't sit there behind the line like a stupid goon. It's a green light! Use it!

***

While Googling for a stoplight image, I was stunned at the number of images of things that looked like stoplights. Red, yellow, and green tomatoes in a row. Kids in red, yellow, and green T-shirts. Why are people so obsessed with this?

It reminded me, though, of eating Skittles in Peter Manning's class in college, sitting in the back of the room with Arksie and the TAs. On a whim, I pulled out a red, yellow, and green Skittle and created a little stoplight on the edge of my desk before eating it. Cindy Sarver, the cute TA, the one we pretended had a crush on me although conventional wisdom was that she liked girls, leaned toward me and said, "That's cute."

I was thinking of that, and sure enough, on the next page of results: a Skittle stoplight. (Sadly, this was not a sign from Cindy, trying to reconnect with me.)

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Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell: Reinforce your carry-on totes!—2:03 PM

Dominey (or possibly Storey) has been carrying on about this book Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell like it's this crazywonderful thing that everyone has to read. Repeatedly talking about it. That kind of buzz grabs my attention.

So, I had an Amazon.com Gift Certificate that a friend got me for doing some recent web work. (If you've got a screenplay that needs writing and you don't want to use me, you should look her up.) Out of everything on my Wish List that my Mom hasn't already been instructed to buy me for our upcoming non-denominational winter celebration of making gay people feel guilty about their lifestyles, Strangey & Mr. Nor jumped out at me. I knew I was in for a fun ride, when Amazon said this:

The book Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell has been printed with two different dust jackets–one black, one white. Amazon.com is unable to accept requests for a specific cover. The various covers will be assigned to orders at random.

(By the way, if you're curious, my boycott of Amazon.com continues – it just isn't very successful, or consistent.)

So I ordered the thing up, thinking it'd be great reading material for the plane, and it arrived today. I don't think I can take it on the plane. It would cause the entire aircraft to list to one side. This thing is colossal!

I'm not sure why, but I'd imagined it being a nice, tidy little paperback. I think this is why. They have that stupid little Kilroy guy on most books at Amazon, peeking over the top to advertise their pointless "search inside" feature. (Useful for textbooks and non-fiction, I guess, but novels? Who searches inside novels before they buy? "Well, this story sounds interesting, but first let me make sure they don't mention unicorns, wallpaper, or Hitler.")

See, I just recently bought (and haven't read) The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, and it's a nice, tidy little paperback. You'll notice that Kilroy looks the same on both.

Subconsciously, I think I took it to mean that the books were roughly similar in depth. Since I've held the Night-Time book in my hand, I can imagine Kilroy sort of dangling down the back of it thusly:

But it turns out that Kilroy is laying prone across the entire top of the Jonathan Strange book, because it's much much bigger. Its sheer girth is just staggering.

Oh, well. Strange thing about perception. I'm still interested to read this giant mother of a book, even though it's supposedly sort of Harry Potter-ish or Lord of the Rings-ish or something. Maybe that's just what I need to wipe that smug look off my face.

(By the way, I got the black cover. Thank God.)

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Boycott this site!—10:28 AM

Join me in boycotting onebee.com until its proprietor has the decency to get off his ass and publish something cute for us all to giggle at.

Happy Holidays! Survivor update in t-minus 4 hours.

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Fri, December 3

"We'll buy you a pony."

Dealing with phone-based customer service is never much fun, but it's particularly painful if you're trying to cancel a service. And God help you if that service is a long distance plan. (Read more.)

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Thu, December 2

Cacophony of Emotion

Survivor continues not to be over, and The Amazing Race continues to be vastly more entertaining. But, the alliances are in flux! You can't deny the drama inheren– zzzzzzz (Read more.)

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Lake Shore Park, Chicago—7:47 AM

By popular demand, I'm presenting some photographs I took in Chicago's Lake Shore Park in June. They're really taken from Lake Shore Park more than they're taken of Lake Shore Park, but I hope they're useful just the same.

Although, by looking at them, the only use that I can think of is if you're an attorney trying to establish an alibi for that kid in the yellow shirt in some murder trial or something. Other than that, they don't say too much.

By the way, photography on this site is entirely free for your downloading and personal use. (This excludes pictures of specific people, like me, my friends, and my family. Please ask first before re-using those. You can re-use the Kevin Spacey shots if you want.) Click any picture to get a bigger version, and in most cases you can click that version to get a huge version. (If you need the original, hi-res image, feel free to send me e-mail.) If you're going to post it on the web someplace, I'd love a credit and a link, but I'll settle for just sending me e-mail (or dropping a comment on the site) to tell me where it's being used.

If you're planning to put it to commercial use, I'd rather be notified in advance so I can decide what to do. If you're going to use it in a TV show, then it's my intellectual property and I demand an associate producer credit!

And now, a brief journey through Lake Shore Park:

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